No Heaven for You Buster!

On Bill Cosby’s incredibly famous album, 8:15 / 12:15 (one you’ve probably never heard of), Mr. Mumbles tells the story of a man who was killed when a tree jumped out of a forest and bit his VW Bug. When the dearly departed meets St. Peter it becomes clear that a death that ignominious automatically disqualifies him from entering heaven. Thus, he gets the one way trip south. But incredibly stupid deaths are not limited to comedy routines. Take the guy who was living out a bondage fantasy on his waterbed, only to have it spring a leak and drown him. Side note, just so you can pretend you’re smart, the waterbed was invented by science fiction author Robert Heinlein in an effort to succor burn victims. He never patented it because he felt it was his duty to help those in need. Especially those in the armed services, who made up the vast majority of burn victims back then.

And let us not forget the fun loving couple who felt the urgent need to make love on a fog shrouded freeway at the beginning of rush hour. They were killed, while in flagrante delicto, by a semi truck whose driver thought he’d hit a speed bump. The fact that their timely deaths also prevented them from procreating is simply seen as an ironic bonus here at World News Center.

I could go on, but you get the idea. People have been coming up with wonderfully entertaining ways to remove themselves from the gene pool forever. You really want to click that link.

This truism is the impetus behind great web sites such as The Darwin Awards and TV shows like 1,000 Ways to Die.

Nevertheless even I had to pause for a moment, after laughing for several, after reading the story on NPR about the man who was stabbed to death by a rooster.

The Kern Country Sheriff’s Department made it official Friday: An autopsy determined that Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, died after being stabbed in the right calf by a rooster.

The Bakersfield Californian reported that the incident occurred during a cockfight in which the birds are strapped with razor-like knives to fight each other, often times to their death.

The paper reports that Ochoa and others fled the scene, as officers arrived to break up the cockfighting ring. Authorities found five dead roosters. It adds:

“I have never seen this type of incident,” said Sgt. Martin King, a 24-year veteran who noted the major arteries that could have been severed. “People have been known to bleed out from those injuries if medical attention is not obtained immediately.”

Local Bakersfield station KBAK reports that Ochoa died about two hours after arriving at the hospital. His death was ruled an accident.

The Californian reports that Ochoa had paid $370 in fines, last year, after a no contest plea to “owning or training an animal for fighting.”

Just last month, The Daily Mail reported that a rooster slashed his owners throat in India. According to The Mail that rooster attacked, after its owner forced it onto a fighting ring.

Now, to be honest, the last time I stayed in Isla Verde in Puerto Rico, my hotel room was adjacent to a cockfighting ring. I had no interest in attending then and I have none now. There is a smell issued by hundreds of roosters, who are all fired up and angry, that is not conducive to happiness. Immediate weight loss, yes, happiness, no.

But can you imagine the conversation this poor sucker is going to have with St. Peter?

“You see, señor, I had just strapped some cuchillos on my la red when …..”

Yeah, the trap door would open before the next syllable could be uttered.

Stories like this are so sad and funny at the same time that you begin to understand what Arthur Bludgeon meant when he said “God turns them all into country songs.”