Sure Signs of the Apocalypse!

No, they are not the new line of My Little Ponies.
No, they are not the new line of My Little Ponies.

My grandmother used to love to quote Revelations. It’s a fun little read if you’ve missed it. Her favorite part was figuring out when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would begin their fiery gallop across the tundra of humanity and end it all. As I’ve noted before, thanks to prophecies based on Revelations, among others, the world has ended over 200 times already and seems poised to do so again later this year. 10 days before Halloween, in case you had plans. Clearly, the first true sign of that impending doom is already upon us; The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl yesterday. While I will grant that this may not be seen as an portent of panicked predestination in the rest of the world, anyone who lives in Chicago, who has an IQ above a turnip’s, knows that any success in Green Bay means nothing but abject misery here. Worse yet, their coach Mike McCarthy has a sense of humor. Just click that link and try to imagine Lovie Smith even attempting something that cool. Especially with Playboy Playmate Jamie Edmondson portraying a bitter former cheerleader who still wears her outfit over 20 years later.

I mention Jamie since she’s a fan of this blog and visa versa. So click on her name and vote for her to be Playmate of the Year. It’s the least you can do. And we all know that you always do the absolute least you can do.

But, for those naysayers who think it was just another Super Bowl yesterday, I ask you to look around. Over 100 tons of fish have been found dead off the coast of Parana in Paranagua. Too obscure? How about the 2,000,000 dead croakers (yes, that is ironic) that were found in Chesapeake Bay. That’s in Maryland for those of you who slept through Geography in Grammar School. And none of this even begins to count the thousands more dead fish found in Arkansas.

Still not convinced?

What about the massive amounts of birds falling from the skies of Sweden, Kentucky, Arkansas (again) and the mass extinction of turtle doves in Italy?

You remember turtle doves, you got two of them for the 12 days of Christmas.

It’s gotten so bad that Google is mapping all of the incidents so you can play along at home.

“But wait,” you whine, “all of these things have rational explanations. Why are you trying to scare the pants off of people?”

Rational explanations? Pardon me while I chuckle my posterior away.

Do you mean rational explanations like this one? The one that claims that all the birds were killed by a flying semi tractor trailer?

State Agriculture Commissioner John McMillan says about 300 blackbirds found dead recently near Athens in Limestone County appear to have died from flying into or being struck by a large object, such as an tractor-trailer rig.

The state Department of Agriculture and Industries has been doing lab tests on large bird kills that occurred recently in two north Alabama counties. The results of the kill at Scottsboro in Jackson County are not yet complete.

McMillan said Wednesday the bird deaths are not considered a human health threat at this time, but the public should avoid or limit contact with any dead wild animal.

In other words, leave your collection of road kill cookbooks at home and, instead, go download the free cookbook that features Ashley Lobo and Gina Ferraro, among others. At least there’s no chance of catching Ebola from their recipes.

In the meantime, just realize that you live in a world where flying tractor trailers seem like a rational explanation and then tell me I’m wrong about the Apocalypse.

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