Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, which means stupid jewelry store commercials have come out in full force. It’s even worse this time of year than at Christmas. I really think these jewelry stores save their worst and most obnoxious commercials for February. As a disclaimer, the intent of this blog is not to offend anyone who has jewelry from any of the jewelry stores I mock. I have just decided to share with the world how much I HATE jewelry store commercials in honor of this annual tradition that is dead-set on making me hurl.
Here I am minding my own business watching American Idol and letting my brain slowly turn to mush when there it is…let me paint the scene for you….
Thunder storm. Couple watching the rain through the windows. Obviously a lame romantic get-away.
Girl jumps as thunder roars. Boy holds her tight.
BOY: Don’t worry, I’m right here. And I always will be.
Insert lame, third-rate piece of jewelry.
Cue music: Every kiss begins with Kay….
No it doesn’t. It starts with “P” for puke.
What is UP with jewelry commercials? Have you ever seen a good one? Part of the reason I am asking is because half of these commercials deal with proposals, and from what I’ve heard and experienced, proposals never happen like they do in these damn commercials.
Let’s look back at those shadow commercials that Verizon Wireless was mocking. I don’t even know what jewelry company came up with it, that’s how poor that advertising scheme was. A guy is proposing, but all you see are their shadows dancing or drinking or whatever – and then BAM – HUGE rock shining bright. To me, it says, “only ghosts can afford diamonds like these.” Not only do you never see real people, but the homes they were frolicking and drinking in look like Disney’s haunted mansion. Everything is gray and they have ginormous fire places. Seriously. What part of those commercials mirror real life?
To re-visit Kay Jewelers, there are a few things I hate about this place. Another one of their horrible commercials involves a young couple walking around New York on a sunny day. They stop at various places and reminisce.
BOY: Remember this? (at a brownstone staircase)
GIRL: Our first kiss.
BOY: Remember this? (outside a movie theater)
GIRL: Our first date.
BOY: Remember this? (at a park bench)
GIRL: No, I don’t remember.
BOY: You will. (cue cheesy face and engagement ring placement)
GAG ME. I really wanted him to stop in front of a hoopty looking car with tinted windows so she could say, “the first time we banged”. Or in front of a crack house – “our first drug bust”.
The other thing I hate about Kay is when they have D-list celebrities design crappy D-list jewelry. Like this:
Who would wear this? It looks like a sea monster!
And can you believe I still have two more to cover?
Let’s go after the one that is less offensive. The Jewelry Exchange of Villa Park. The reason why I am covering it is because it’s so easy to make fun of, and yet both my engagement ring and wedding band are from here!
It’s commercials remind me of the Empire or Luna carpet commercials. It’s too bad they don’t have a catchy jingle to accompany their phone number.
It could be: 6-3-0-5-D-A-B-E-A-R-S
Bears? Beers? No, not De Beers. Da Bears. Because the other fun part of this place is everyone that works there is a super fan. What do you expect on the south side? No one knows diamonds like a super fan. It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Football, sausage, diamonds. Obviously.
Okay, so now on to my least favorite place. Jared’s. Ick. I. HATE. JARED. I hate this place and these commercials so much, it has an effect on my love of Subway. I can’t eat anything a “Jared” could love and lose weight from. It’s just wrong.
I saw their awful commercial tonight.
Two friends in a way too large apartment that they would never afford in real life, one of them doing a crossword puzzle.
THING 1: Give me a word that’s 13 letters for ‘marriage proposal’.
THING 2: Marriage proposal?
THING 1: He. Went. To. Jared!!!!
Pointless screaming and jumping ensue.
If any of my friends ever pulled a stunt like that, I would (1) slap them and (2) walk away, never to be heard from again. That is a friendship deal breaker as far as I am concerned.
Well, now that I am all pissed off and riled up, I am going to end this blog. Hopefully I am not the only one who feels this way. But be warned, because Valetine’s Day is around the corner and these commercials are just getting started…..
Want to know my jewelry theme song?
Every kiss ends with my…..ahem…..