Happy Happy! Joy Joy!

Okay. Hulk smile. Happy now?
Okay. Hulk smile. Happy now?
It’s been a while since I’ve able to point out that Asians are clinically insane. While they tend to keep themselves apart for the rest of the world, I would be remiss if I didn’t begin by mentioning that Kim Jong-Il’s fun loving North Koreans have developed an appetite for porn, skinny jeans and human excrement. While I can certainly understand the first two, the third threw me for a loop. It seems that it’s the preferred fertilizer there. That, immediately, opens up a whole series of questions that I feel are best left unanswered. North Korea’s main political ally, China, is also nuts but in a way many American men will appreciate. They like to line hot women up against a wall and have random nerds remove their bras. Think Beauty and the Geek with exposed cleavage. When I was a younger Big Bad I could remove a bra with my teeth in under 20 seconds. It was a skill that had many perks. And since the Chinese seem to be passing this off as a fun, yet educational, endeavor, I’m thinking that a Nude Hippo road trip to Beijing is in order.

The other China, officially known as Taiwan, is not to be outdone in the ‘whimsical exploitation of women’ department. They have seven young girls, dressed in scanty bunny outfits, who provide the daily weather forecast. One for each day. Well, they don’t actually forecast the weather. Instead they paw at giant carrots, make cooing noises, tell you how much they love you and want to be a part of your life while temperatures around the world are displayed behind them. The good news is that temps are displayed in both Celsius and Fahrenheit, so you can learn how to do the conversions easily. If you actually notice them, that is.

I’m thinking that a variation of this could really spice up the Nude Hippo Show on NBC 5.2. Let’s face it, Ashley Lobo + Bunny Suit = Who cares what the freaking weather is?

I smell another Emmy!

Traveling a little north to our target country today lands us in Japan. Yes the same country that is trying to blend biology and technology, to better prepare us for life under our robot overlords, now has a web site dedicated to hot woman who are used as human clocks. I’m not sure what the point of it all is, but who really cares.

They’re just trying to make us happy.

However, today, I think they’ve gone a touch too far in their search to make everyone happy. MDeeDubroff reports that the Japanese are now using Electro-Shock therapy to make kids smile.

I know nothing makes me happier than a few hundred volts shot into my jaw. How about you?

The Japanese are renowned for their most unusual innovations in almost every aspect of life and culture. Perhaps, however, one Japanese inventor has gone a bit too far with his electronic smile enhancer.

A very clever inventor has come up with a way (albeit bordering on barbaric) to force even the most stubborn among your children to “put on a happy face” whenever they are visiting relatives they would otherwise choose to avoid.

Now traveling over river and through the woods to grandmother’s house can be transformed from a mostly pleasant childhood experience into a true tale of terror for that child who doesn’t want to visit and feels like doing a million other things, none of which include smiling.

The electronic smile enhancer hooks onto your child’s ears in the same manner as a pair of glasses, and another part fits snugly under the chin. It is this chin portion that is the culprit when it comes to smiling, for it sends a constant pulse of electricity through your child’s cheeks.

The highest setting is reserved for those who dare to defy the machine, as it will impel even the most stubborn child to smile. Although the gesture is generated by the sudden jolt of electricity in the jaw muscles, due to the fact that such shock excites the entire body, the smile appears realistic.

Side effects (at least so far) have been a slight twitching of the child’s heads during class or sleeping. Some say it is worth it to give Granny her due love and respect, even if it is generated by electricity and not sentiment.

Perhaps the ghost of Benjamin Franklin would simply cringe at this modern use of electricity?

Whatever be the case, the one thing I cannot imagine anyone doing after learning about this is…to smile.

The impending and permanent brain damage is just a bonus. Think of it this way, once you’ve turned your child’s brain into a steaming pile of electro-jelly, they’ll be smiling all the time. Just like the happy people in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Happy happy joy joy, indeed.

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