Brutha, Can You Spare a Dime?

As the Economy Crumbles is not a new soap opera
As the Economy Crumbles is not a new soap opera
It’s tough out there. The last 8 years have seen our economy launch into a tail spin not seen since the 1930’s. People who once held jobs of some prestige found themselves competing with kids just out of high school for minimum wage gigs. I actually applied, last year, for a job at a hot dog stand and was rejected because my experience wasn’t “wiener specific enough.” I was told this as I watched some kid, who had a job there, be very confused by condiments.

“Is the green stuff mustard? Or is the yellow stuff relish?”

Even so I count myself among the lucky ones because, after 13 months of unemployment, I finally found a job. During those 13 months I kept a running tally; I sent out 645 resumes, went on 103 job interviews, was offered 3 jobs where I could work for free (to see if I worked out) as long as I bought a car and 2 other jobs wherein the companies were in bankruptcy and had no money to pay me at that point.

However, I was offered the “opportunity” to ride things out with them and be rewarded (i.e., paid) later.

Much to your surprise I declined all five offers.

Nevertheless, during that time, I did pick up a bunch of temp work and was able to survive. If I didn’t keep the wolves completely at bay at least I kept them outside my door.

You just have to kick them to get past.

There’s even a restaurant in Waikiki that’s charging a 15% gratuity to its non-English speaking customers. Their reasoning, if not their legal standing, is simple; many countries don’t have a history of tipping and the wait staff has to pay taxes on 8% of the total bill whether they get tipped or not.

Memo to self: Avoid job in hospitality industry.

But I didn’t realize just how bad things were until I found out that world leaders were hawking wares on cable TV. Buck Wolf from reports that William, the future king of England, and his fiancĂ©e Kate are pushing a line of royal rubbbers.

And, no, not the kind your kids wear on their feet on rainy days.

You know you’ve hit the big time when a commemorative condom is issued in your honor… so William & Kate, your moment has arrived.

Heritage Condoms, a British company (of course), has unveiled a special condom to commemorate the upcoming nuptials… complete with a Web site that reads, “lie back and thank of England.”

The loving couple advocates loving coupling.
The loving couple advocates loving coupling.
“Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms,” the company says.

Of course, the first job of the future king is to get busy making a replacement… so it makes sense that these condoms actually promise no protection.

It says right on the company’s Web site: “Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”

In other words the condoms, like the British Royal Family, are as useless as suspenders for a snake.

Not to be outdone in having its leaders humiliated, America has been dragged into the fray by the most American of institutions, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Dave Thier at AOL News reports that KFC has been using President Obama to sell deep fried fish sandwiches in China.

At first glance, it would seem that Barack Obama has returned to the passionate “change” rhetoric he deployed in his presidential campaign, except with a curious new focus: fish fillet sandwiches.

“Change, not only for your mom, but for you, your stomach, for a better taste!” he proclaims in the video, before being tragically crushed by a giant sandwich.

On closer inspection, however, it turns out that the White House has not adopted a bold new initiative to revitalize the economy by creating thousands of new jobs in the fried entree sector. It’s an ad from KFC China, which used an Obama look-alike to hock its fried food in the run-up to Chinese President Hu Jintao’s visit to the United States in January.

In China, KFC is much larger than other American brands such as McDonald’s, operating 3,200 locations in the country, according to Bloomberg. After the video hit the American corner of the Internet, however, Yum Brands Inc., which operates KFC, quickly retreated.

“The ad was created in Hong Kong for the Hong Kong market only. It was meant to be a spoof and no disrespect was intended. It is no longer airing and will not be re-aired,” the company said in a statement.

This isn’t the first time KFC has ended up embarrassed after a regional ad has gone international. Last year, an Australian ad that featured a white soccer fan calming down a bunch of rowdy black spectators with fried chicken didn’t go over particularly well when American viewers got wind.

Who knew that if you went out for Chinese in China you’d be more likely to get a bucket of chicken than an order of egg rolls? Well, I guess that’s the global economy these days. If people want to have artery clogging foods they’re going to find a way to get them. Just like they do with porn.

So, as you sit home filling in your APL103F for the 17th time, so that you can hand it over to the same person you handed the other 16 versions of your APL103F over to just so you can hear that you haven’t turned in your APL103F which is why your benefits are being denied, again, keep in mind that things could be worse.

Much worse.

You could be selling condoms for fish.

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