Archives for January 2011

Before we rip on the Chinese for being clinically insane, we must first step back and look in our own mirror. Weddings have, throughout the centuries, been sacred moments in people’s lives wherein they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for as long as they both shall live. At least that’s the basic idea. These events have been held in pompous surroundings or simple vestibules, but the core concept of a sacrosanct ceremony has been adhered to for time immemorial.

Not so much so anymore.

One of my best friends was married by an Elvis impersonator. Another was cleaved to his buxom bride by a Ferengi. Across this glorious globe of ours people have been married wearing body paint or, if that’s too much effort, nothing at all.

You wanna be married by Storm Troopers? There’s a chapel for that. WWII reenactment with authentic Nazi uniforms? Gotcha covered. All zombies all the time? Not a problem. You need pseudo-Na Vi to make your special day? I know a place that would be honored to see you. Pretty much, if you can dream it, you can be it.

So while there may be a certain segment of the population who gets all serious about the subject of the sanctity of marriage, I think it’s safe to say that ship has sailed so we may as well enjoy the view.

Even so, I must admit to be taken mildly aback at this latest development. You can now visit your local McDonald’s in Hong Kong and be married by the staff.

Slated to begin sometime in January, the upcoming McWeddings will first appear for a test period at three major McDonald’s branches. They’ll be offered in packages starting at HK$1000 ($129), which is a major savings from the typical HK$10,000 or $1,300 price of a Hong Kong wedding.

Included with the reservation is a personalized menu, decorations, McDonald’s-themed gifts, a special apple-pie wedding cake, and a lone fry in place of the traditional cherry a couple shares prior to kissing.

It’s essentially an ultra-cheap and fun way to get married. It’s kind of like an American couple getting married in a Las Vegas casino. Similarly, there are a couple striking caveats. For one, couples who opt for a McWedding aren’t guaranteed any privacy whatsoever. Other customers who walk in to grab a bite are welcome to watch the ceremony. In addition, McDonald’s doesn’t carry any liquor or beer, so there’ll be no drinking.

This whole fiasco all started when a couple who originally met at a Hong-Kong-based McDonald’s decided to get married there. The word quickly spread, prompting couples all across the country to call into McDonald’s asking to make a reservation for their own wedding. Thus a trend was born.

It’s not the most romantic idea in the world, but it certainly is cheap. More importantly, you get a bunch of free Happy Meal toys with it. And well, there’s nothing quite (like) playing with your toys while naked at your honeymoon.

I’m not exactly sure I want to share that particular intimate moment with Mayor McCheese, but to each his own I guess.

Nevertheless, the McWedding stills seems more reverential than a bunch of fat guys getting their funk on in a church. But that could just be me.

I sometimes wonder if the editorial staff at Nude Hippo wakes up in the morning and simply replaces the usual milk on their corn flakes with bourbon. After all, they are (in the main) nice people and I’ve usually posted something before they are capable of providing any meaningful review. While they’re waking from delightful dreams of trips to Disneyland or thoughts of family oriented events, I’m usually writing about stuff that comes with warning labels. And not just any ticky tack warning labels, I get a giant flashing red light to the bottom right hand side of every one of my posts. In my twisted mind I imagine the nice editorial staff waking up, calling the IT department and having the following conversation.

“Has McCormick posted?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Did he write about happy butterflies or singing, dancing, children?”

“Not exactly. Did you know that ‘butterfly‘ is professional euphemism for a ……”

“Oh dear God.”

“There’s bourbon in your kitchen.”

“I know.”

At this point it may even be safe to wonder if they even bother with the corn flakes.

So, today, I’ve decided to cut them a break. I won’t write about the guy who used an inflatable marital aid to ride out a flood. Nor will I write about the sick S.O.B. (a/k/a some demented Packers fan) who killed a bear so that he could roast it in honor of today’s game.

Instead, I’m going to write about a fun loving gentleman who has come up with an innovative way to proudly showcase his political beliefs while still providing law enforcement something fun to chat about on those lonely winter nights. As Kevin Saylor, of Fark.com, reports, the age old question of “Can I use a handgun to fight an inferno?” has now been definitively answered.

Stephen Forthman shoots first and asks questions later. He wears a shirt proudly displaying the words “I don’t dial 911” next to a picture of a hand gripping a sixshooter. When it comes time to contact local emergency services for assistance, he’d rather just shoot at the problem until it goes away – even when the problem is his own home being on fire.

No injuries were reported in a large structural house fire in North Knoxville at Forthman’s residence on Whittle Springs Road yesterday.

Knoxville firefighters were alerted by neighbors at 2:15 p.m. of smoke at the residence, according to Knoxville Fire Department spokesman Capt.

John Nickleton. The Knoxville Fire Department responded to an initial report of heavy smoke coming from the garage, and of a large bearded man in the front yard screaming and shooting into the house.

“At first I didn’t even notice the fire,” said neighbor Tricia Perkinson. “I heard gunshots coming from across the street. When I looked outside, I saw Steve in his front yard waving a gun at the house. He was yelling obscenities and just shooting. He was saying, ‘You better get out of here you bleeping bleep.’ I thought he had lost his mind. Then I saw the smoke.”

“When we arrived at the scene, the house was completely engulfed in flames,” said firefighter Daniel Cummings. “Outside, the homeowner was shouting and firing a semiautomatic pistol into the fire.”

Firefighters were able to contain the flames to the Forthman residence, but the massive fire gutted the two-story home. Police were called to restrain Forthman, who had to be disarmed and handcuffed before he would stop shooting at the blaze.

Fire investigators are expected to return to the scene today to determine the fire’s cause.

This isn’t the first time Forthman has refused to dial 911. In 2004, Forthman tried to shoot himself in the torso after having chest pains. His brother-in-law wrestled a rifle away from Forthman and called an ambulance.

Man, what can you possibly say after that?

Can you imagine the firefighter calling this scene into the cops? Can you imagine the cops laughing at him until they realize he’s serious? Aren’t you really hoping that they post the police report online?

I know I am.

It also makes me wonder what this whack job’s love life’s like.

It’s the biggest Chicago sports uproar since the Hawks won the Stanley Cup!  Can the Bears make it to the Super Bowl?  For the sake of Chicago team spirit and riding on a wave of good luck, let’s hope so.  However, for the sake of my Green Bay boyfriend I am torn.  The long standing rivalry between the two teams has officially entered my personal life!

I am originally from the Northwest suburbs of Chicago and my mother was one of the original Chicago Honey Bears Cheerleader’s. Therefore, you can bet your pom poms that my mother expects me to root for the Bears, as I should.  Although, I want my boyfriend to think I’m the sexiest girl in a Packers T-shirt that he’s ever seen.  So how do I not wear the dreaded green and gold?  (The colors are actually pretty flattering on me.  But, shhhh blue is still my all time favorite color.)

I’ve been trying to pick a team based on a few crucial factors.  Who has the hottest quarterback?   I used to think the Aaron Rodgers was HOT, but as of late I think he’s looking a little scrawny and I’m not digging the facial hair.  As for Jay Cutler, I thought he looked HOT on the cover of Michigan Avenue Magazine.  However, after further inspecting this so called hottie, I was disappointed.  Not to mention, his poor judgment of dating a reality tv star.  My second idea was to chose the city that specializes in my favorite food!  While I do love pizza, I am a sucker for cheese curds.  Clearly, there is only ONE thing to do.  I will wear a Packer’s T-shirt (I know, I explained WHY though) and give a fierce mighty “Grrrrrr GO BEARS!”  I am a cheerleader at heart and will cheer for BOTH teams.  Yeah, well…let’s see how all of this pans out.  At least either way,  I can’t lose.

Today I’m in a professorial mode. I have my sweater, with the obligatory elbow patches, my pipe, with the obligatory cherry flavored tobacco, my teacher’s aide, with the obligatory need to get her grades up and my laptop, so that I can work unmolested by the masses. I have done all of this because I am going to take a scholarly look at an ancient, historical, ritual; penis worship. Even before 1877, when Hodder Westropp issued his famous treatise on the many ways cultures have bowed down before their favorite phallic icon, history has recognized the joys of fertility worship. Today, thanks to the Al Gore, people all over the world can become enlightened on the proper procedures for worshiping a whoopee stick.

In Japan the annual penis festival (pictured above) is a wonderful, family, event that involves parades, balloons and giant wooden penises for the young ladies to ride. Yeah, you have to click that link. I’ll wait ’til you get back.

You’re back? Good.

But, far from being some limited cult item, the one eyed wonder weasel has come into its own as a cultural icon. Pop culture commentators, B3TA, hold an annual awards ceremony for the best use of a phallus in a print or television commercial. Sadly, moral restraints prevent me from actually telling you how they describe this turgid honor.

Architectonics purists, Cabinet Makers, held a recent contest to find the most phallic building in the world. And, yes, Chicago’s very own Willis Tower was in the running. But, for reasons that escape me, the Hancock Center was not.

But Chicago is not just limited to priapistic architecture, far from it. We are the proud home of the world’s leading penile sculptress, Cynthia Plastercaster. Cynthia’s handiworks have been erected in museum exhibits the world over. In fact, her life story was made into an award winning movie by Xenon Films.

As you can readily see, right thinking people from all walks of life respect the penis.

All of which brings us to the, ahem, point of today’s blog.

All Weird News is reporting that the International Penis Museum, in Iceland, has finally gotten its first human specimen for display.

Sigurour Hjartarson will finally get to claim the penis promised to him by an Icelander 14 years ago. It will be the first! The donor of the penis, Pall Arason, passed away on January 5, 2010 and Hjartarson, the curator of Iceland’s Penis Museum, is now preparing to collect the museum’s first human specimen.

Hjartarson said while he does not know if the agreement – made 14 years ago – will be respected, he does not think there will be a problem, according to media reports.

The Icelandic Penis Museum has penises of every species of living thing that has a penis except for a human. Hjartarson told the local media he has long waited for a full human specimen.

Just in case the Arason deal doesn’t work out, the curator has three other donation pledges for a human specimen.

Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors from around the world a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ.

His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull’s penis that looked something like a riding crop, now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species.

The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.

A German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton had promised to donate their organs after death, according to certificates on display at the museum.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis — which he purportedly nick-named “Elmo” — for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1997, has now moved to the quiet fishing village of Husavik, 480 km (298 miles) northeast of the capital.

Open from May to September, it is housed in a plain brown building, the entrance marked by a tall brown phallus near the door and a penis-shaped sign over the front porch.

A growing number of people from all over the world view the collection each year, 60 percent of them women.

The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall, creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room.

Okay okay, go ahead with the Tickle Me Elmo jokes.

One thing about this story that peaked my interest was wondering how the donations were made? At what point are you out with some buddies, hunting an 8 point buck, when you ask “Does anyone have a knife? I know this dude in Iceland who’ll love this!”

On the other hand, at what point do you wake up and say “The heck with stamps, guess what I’m going to collect?”

Nevertheless, whatever the motivation, it’s heartening to know that this millennia old tradition continues to be accorded the respect it deserves.

There’s something for everyone this winter in Chicago. From fireplace pubs, to live jazz music, ice skating and more… this cold Chicago season will not disappoint. Sometimes when it’s so cold all I feel like doing is sitting at home and curling up on the couch, but lets be honest– spending the entire winter inside will drive anyone crazy! I’ve come up with an exclusive top-5 list of fun things to do, or places to check out this winter season. Whatever your taste, below you should find something that suits you.

Cheers!!

5) Medici
This is the place to get your must-have cup of HOT CHOCOLATE in the cold Chicago winter. They are located at: 1327 E 57th St, Chicago, IL 60637.

4) Green Mill Jazz Club
Cold nights call for a cool jazz at the legendary Green Mill in Uptown this winter!  They are located at: 4802 N. Broadway Ave., Chicago, IL 60640

3) Elephant & Castle Pub
This British pub has the friendliest staff & 3 locations to choose from in Chicago. Any place that serves alcoholic beverages, AND has a fireplace gets my stamp of approval… especially this time of the year. Go to their website to find the best location for you.

2) McCormick Tribune Ice Rink
You can always find an indoor ice-skating rink year round, but this outdoor rink offers the best view in the city while skating with friends!  Join the fun at, 55 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL.

1) Vertigo Sky/Rooftop Lounge
I checked this place out last weekend and it was awesome! The rooftop portion of the lounge has a bar that is made out of ice– yet there’s a toasty fireplace 5 feet away! In the mood for fire or ice?! Vertigo Sky’s winter ice bar is the place to be.  Find this hideaway at 660 N.State Street in Chicago :).