As Things SHOULD Be

Today I’m in a professorial mode. I have my sweater, with the obligatory elbow patches, my pipe, with the obligatory cherry flavored tobacco, my teacher’s aide, with the obligatory need to get her grades up and my laptop, so that I can work unmolested by the masses. I have done all of this because I am going to take a scholarly look at an ancient, historical, ritual; penis worship. Even before 1877, when Hodder Westropp issued his famous treatise on the many ways cultures have bowed down before their favorite phallic icon, history has recognized the joys of fertility worship. Today, thanks to the Al Gore, people all over the world can become enlightened on the proper procedures for worshiping a whoopee stick.

In Japan the annual penis festival (pictured above) is a wonderful, family, event that involves parades, balloons and giant wooden penises for the young ladies to ride. Yeah, you have to click that link. I’ll wait ’til you get back.

You’re back? Good.

But, far from being some limited cult item, the one eyed wonder weasel has come into its own as a cultural icon. Pop culture commentators, B3TA, hold an annual awards ceremony for the best use of a phallus in a print or television commercial. Sadly, moral restraints prevent me from actually telling you how they describe this turgid honor.

Architectonics purists, Cabinet Makers, held a recent contest to find the most phallic building in the world. And, yes, Chicago’s very own Willis Tower was in the running. But, for reasons that escape me, the Hancock Center was not.

But Chicago is not just limited to priapistic architecture, far from it. We are the proud home of the world’s leading penile sculptress, Cynthia Plastercaster. Cynthia’s handiworks have been erected in museum exhibits the world over. In fact, her life story was made into an award winning movie by Xenon Films.

As you can readily see, right thinking people from all walks of life respect the penis.

All of which brings us to the, ahem, point of today’s blog.

All Weird News is reporting that the International Penis Museum, in Iceland, has finally gotten its first human specimen for display.

Sigurour Hjartarson will finally get to claim the penis promised to him by an Icelander 14 years ago. It will be the first! The donor of the penis, Pall Arason, passed away on January 5, 2010 and Hjartarson, the curator of Iceland’s Penis Museum, is now preparing to collect the museum’s first human specimen.

Hjartarson said while he does not know if the agreement – made 14 years ago – will be respected, he does not think there will be a problem, according to media reports.

The Icelandic Penis Museum has penises of every species of living thing that has a penis except for a human. Hjartarson told the local media he has long waited for a full human specimen.

Just in case the Arason deal doesn’t work out, the curator has three other donation pledges for a human specimen.

Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors from around the world a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ.

His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull’s penis that looked something like a riding crop, now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species.

The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.

A German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton had promised to donate their organs after death, according to certificates on display at the museum.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis — which he purportedly nick-named “Elmo” — for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1997, has now moved to the quiet fishing village of Husavik, 480 km (298 miles) northeast of the capital.

Open from May to September, it is housed in a plain brown building, the entrance marked by a tall brown phallus near the door and a penis-shaped sign over the front porch.

A growing number of people from all over the world view the collection each year, 60 percent of them women.

The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall, creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room.

Okay okay, go ahead with the Tickle Me Elmo jokes.

One thing about this story that peaked my interest was wondering how the donations were made? At what point are you out with some buddies, hunting an 8 point buck, when you ask “Does anyone have a knife? I know this dude in Iceland who’ll love this!”

On the other hand, at what point do you wake up and say “The heck with stamps, guess what I’m going to collect?”

Nevertheless, whatever the motivation, it’s heartening to know that this millennia old tradition continues to be accorded the respect it deserves.