If You Booze, You Lose!

If you pour on the floor, you should have no more.
If you pour on the floor, you should have no more.
While I know this will come as a shock to some of our more genteel readers, in an effort to engender journalistic transparency I must admit that I have been known to toss back a frosty cold adult libation from time to time. Moreover, I’ve also been known to enjoy the heartwarming aroma of a good bourbon or peach based liqueur. In fact, for years, my only email address was from Beer.com. Then they went nuts, targeted younger and younger readers and all their advertising went away and they went bankrupt. Yes, they were clearly sipping their wares.

Nevertheless in spite of, or perhaps due to, the above I’m very cognizant of the schizoid responses engendered by some people when the topic turns to alcohol. Never has it been more clear than the late, rarely lamented, Huey Long’s famous response when Louisiana was contemplating legalizing the sale of alcohol.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise!

As you can see, there are mixed emotions on this topic.

Even so I feel safe in stating that alcohol, in the hands of the undisciplined, can cause dire effects. It can cause someone to release inhibitions that are better left locked away. Photocopying their butt at a Holiday party, having sex with the twins while their spouse is at home, suddenly thinking they know how to dance, all of these things have been related to alcohol.

But, thanks to MSNBC, we can add one more item to that list. Calling 911 to get laid.

A 42-year-old man has been arrested and charged with calling 911 to request a hooker, according to an arrest report obtained by the Lexington Dispatch.

Records show Lonnie Michael Felts called 911 three times on Sunday. The first time he called, he requested “a hooker and an escort to get boots,” the arrest report showed, according to the Dispatch.

After an officer warned Felts about misusing the system, he made two more calls, the newspaper reported.

On the third, “Felts called on 911 again for a non-emergency domestic escort,” the Dispatch reported.

According to the arrest report, Felts was under the influence of drugs, alcohol or both when the incident happened.

He’s been charged with accessing the 911 system for a purpose other than an emergency communication.

This is not what Jim Croce had in mind when he wrote “Operator.”

“911, what’s the nature of your emergency?”

I’m horny.”

Yeah, I can see how that would go bad quickly.

But people aren’t the only ones going to jail for being drunk and stupid. The Daily Record (UK) reports that an owl in Germany was arrested after it was unable to pronounce Pforzheim correctly.

Police in Germany arrested an owl that got drunk on schnapps, according to German media.

Cops said on Tuesday they had discovered a paralytic owl that appeared to have drunk too much Schnapps from two discarded bottles.

“A woman walking her dog alerted the police after seeing the bird sitting by the side of the road oblivious to passing traffic,” Frank Otruba, spokesman for the police in the southwestern city of Pforzheim, told Spiegel Online.

The Brown Owl didn’t appear to be injured and officers quickly concluded that it had had one too many.

One of its eyelids was drooping, adding to the general impression of inebriation.

“It wasn’t staggering around and we didn’t breathalyze it but there were two little bottles of Schapps in the immediate vicinity,” said Otruba.

“We took it to a local bird expert who has treated alcoholised birds before and she has been giving it lots of water.”

The bird will be released once it has sobered up, police said.

Who knew that drunken flying birds was an issue so pervasive it requires a specialist? Or, at the very least, someone with aviary alcohol experience.

And how does one gather that experience? Long nights spent trying tequila mockingbird?

Sound it out, I haven’t got the time.

Clearly the use of alcohol by the obstreperous, whether human or not, needs to be more carefully monitored. In the meantime, I can offer some sound advice; drink alcohol regularly to build up your stamina and stay away from phones.

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