The 51st Way to Leave Your Lover

It's not me, it's you.
It's not me, it's you.
Anyone over the age of 12 has had a relationship go bad. One minute you’re buying flowers and picking a registry site, the next you’re wondering how a steak knife would look in the heart of the scum sucking parasite who’s ruining your life. It’s just the way nature works. It is how we deal with these minor inconveniences that set us apart from rutting animals.

For example, a civilized person will remove the mementos of the relationship and move on with a clean slate. The uncivilized person will hold a public bonfire for said mementos and place a curse on their ex.

Often, while alcohol will be involved, human sacrifice will only be implied.

A civilized person will keep the tawdry aspects of the breakup to themselves knowing that enumerating same would only reflect badly on them. An uncivilized person will start every Facebook post with TAT RAGNG SKANK I HP SHE DIE and other linguistically challenged exposés.

A side note here; as the nice and talented people at Throw’d TV point out, you might want to be careful with what you post on Facebook no matter what the status, pun intended, of your relationship.

In summation, civilized people put the past in the past and heed the warning signs in the future while uncivilized people end up on Jerry Springer.

I think you get the general idea.

While we’ve all heard stories about this legendary breakup or that memorable meltdown, it’s not often that a story like today’s comes to the fore. A man attempted to make an adult, self-pleasuring, device into a bomb. There is an unsubtle irony that it was reported by North Carolina’s Good Morning Show.

“Good morning honey, was it good for you too?”

A Waseca, Minnesota man is accused of planting an explosive device inside a sex toy intended for one of his ex-girlfriends.

Terry Allen Lester, 37, has been charged with felony counts of creating an explosive device and making terroristic threats.

Police say Lester packed the vibrator with gunpowder, BB’s and Buckshot. They say he told friends he planned to give the device to one of his three ex-girlfriends because their relationships had ended badly.

When one of the exes used it, Lester told friends he would pull the trigger and it would blow them up. The device was missing a key starting element, but police say it still could have exploded.

Police say Lester left a bag with the device in it at a friend’s apartment. Inside it was a box with other vibrators and a tag that said “Merry Christmas” along with a derogatory term for women.

Investigators say Lester’s friends looked inside that box, became frightened and called police.

You can insert 13 “looked inside the box” jokes here and then I’ve got to get back to this blog.

Got it out if your system now? Good.

What? You need a minute for all the “explosive orgasm” jokes? Okay, sure, I can give you that.

You’re back? All right then, let’s move on.

Why is it that news channels always use the middle name of a person when they want to make them sound even dumber than they already are? More importantly, why does it seem that Allen is second only to Wayne as the middle name of dumb criminals?

Do you really think this guy was wondering around the ice fishing hole demanding to be called by his full name?

Ah, who knows? With someone that vindictive, maybe.

“Mama done give it to me and I’ma gonna use it.”

Anyway, did he seriously think that the women in question would just open up a package with a Merry Christmas You (female dog) card on the outside and plug and play with the offering? I know that some women make bad social choices, but the thought of a young lady revving up an anonymous gift – one which would normally only be used in the most private of places – strikes me as unlikely.

It would seem to me that an item that intimate would require that the user have a pretty good idea of its origins.

Then again, as has been noted before, I’m not a woman.

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