Archives for 2010

I’ve started and stopped typing today’s blog several times. I don’t know whether to open with the pithy Mark Twain quote – “A Frenchmen’s home is where another man’s wife is” – or his more scathing – “There is nothing lower than the human race…except for the French.” Or, maybe, I should toss up the famous PR release from French’s mustard; “We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common (with France) is that we are both yellow”.

Maybe you think I should go with a joke that shows off the country’s legendary arrogance?

Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Yet, somehow, they all pale in comparison to reality. After all who, but the French, would think of charging someone $150.00 (USD) per night to live like a hamster? The Telegraph UK reports that that’s exactly what’s happening in Nantes.

It’s a unique concept according to its creators. A hotel in the French city of Nantes is offering the chance for people to become a hamster.

For 99 euros a night, visitors to the hotel in Nantes can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running in a giant wheel and sleep in hay stacks in the suite called the “Hamster Villa”.

It is the latest venture from owners Frederic Tabary and Yann Falquerho, who run a company which rents out unusual venues to adventure-seekers. Both architects, the men designed the room in an 18th century building to resemble the inside of a hamster’s cage.

“The hamster in the world of children is that little cuddly animal. Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,” said Mr Falquerho, who was dressed as a hamster.

However, the price is soon to go up as today’s hamsters need, according to the owners, Wifi and a giant TV screen.

There’s no word on whether customers are expected to clean up their own pellets when they leave.

While I’ll be the first to admit that this is an incredibly dumb idea, and I wish nothing but bankruptcy for them, there’s a part of me that worries that this kind of thing may catch on. After all, the public bought into Lady Ga Ga, and she’s about as close to the genus rodentia as anything out there today. Some kids, not yours of course – yours are smart and wonderful, may even think that’s how she lives and wish to emulate her.

Oh well, I know I have better things to do with my money so there’s no risk of me showing up there. Ever.

On to some good news. I had previously reported that Santa had held up a bar in Rhode Island. As it turns out, the bar was actually robbed by a bartender who lied to the cops. I know a lot of parents were having a hard time explaining that to their kids so I’m pleased we were able to straighten it out. Teaching kids that there are lying scum in the world is a much easier lesson than trying to parse out why Santa’s packing heat.

Yesterday, after the Bulls lost a game they could, and should, have won (man, they miss Noah), I met up with some buds to share a frosty cold adult libation and discuss things that men discuss when left to themselves. Boobs, basketball, boobs, baseball, boobs, football, boobs and so on. Naturally, these conversational variants inevitably ran their course. So, inspired by multiple tales of holiday feasts, we turned our thoughts to cannibalism.

Eww! Yucky! You may say that. After all, who wants an invitation to the Donner Party? There aren’t any balloons, the booze is all frozen and the menu’s gross. Not fun like the Nude Hippo holiday feast. Not at all.

Yet, as we discussed while sipping said adult libations, cannibalism has been a celebrated part of many cultures since cultures have existed. In Italy there’s an entire genre of films dedicated to the philosophy that “you are who you eat.”

In the 60’s celebrated science fiction author, Robert Heinlein, tackled the issues of free love and cannibalism in his epic tale Stranger in a Strange Land. Personally I would never want to confuse those two, but in Heinlein’s story the hero, Valentine Michael Smith, is the sole survivor of a mission to Mars and has been raised by Martians who had very different ideas about the essence of immortality and so on. When Mr. Smith is finally made into a lovely stew for his friends it’s noted that he needed salt.

In 1973, Richard Fleischer directed one of the most popular movies of the year. Soylent Green’s post apocalyptic vision, of a world run by a police state and people being harvested off the streets, had intellectuals seriously ruminating on the concepts of government sponsored assisted suicide and cannibalism. After all, it’s not like you really need your body when it’s gone, so why not grind it into a high protein cracker?

And we all know that crackers go great with cheese.

Not so yucky now, is it? Who could complain about cheese and crackers?

In 1989, director Peter Geenaway took the whole concept to its logical conclusion in The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover. In his dark fantasy cannibalism is used to create a gourmet meal. Also to rip on the, then current, British political regime, but we’re focused on food here today, not politics.

Locally, Chicago played host (if you’ll pardon the term) to Cannibal Cheerleaders on Crack. Far from some schlumpy one night theater stand, the show ran for years and years. And, while everyone talked about how offended they were when the rich folks ate the poor folk’s babies, it didn’t stop them from going back again and again and again…..

“But,” you squeamishly object, “those are just twisted visions and horrors from a long forgotten past. No civilized person would contemplate anything like that.”

Really?

I say the table’s already being set.

Our parent company, NBC, recently memorialized a Naked Sushi party. If you haven’t been to one of these, the events work like this; a beautiful woman pretends to be dead while lying on a table and guests pull raw fish off of her flesh and eat it.

There’s also, usually, a DJ. And dancing.

Substitute drums for the DJ and a pot in the jungle for the buffet table and suddenly this scene seems eerily familiar.

The fish is just a bonus.

But, if you still don’t think you could be talked into eating your neighbor, just watch the video below to see how easy it was to get people to eat raw fish in the first place.

Marcus Riley talks to Chicago Bear Lance Briggs about giving back with the Salvation Army for the holidays!

In this CLASSIC NUDE HIPPO, Marcus reported as “50 deserving kids were treated to a shopping spree at Target.”  Marcus pointed out that “the kids were selected for the shopping spree based on their grades, good citizenship, school attendance or merits received from Corps assistance and/or attendance. ”

Marcus, now with 24/7 Chicago, pointed out that pro-athletes, like Lance Briggs “have the ability to bring attention to causes that may otherwise be neglected. Let’s face it, if the shopping spree had taken place but no Chicago Bears players were supposed to be there, would as many media members have showed up? Probably not. So as you’re busy spending way too much money on presents and gorging yourself with food this season, take a second to think about those who don’t have the luxury of taking those things for granted. Happy Holidays!”

I know, I know, you’re reading the title of today’s blog and asking yourself “Well, gee, what could possibly go wrong?” The answer, my cynical friend, is ‘nothing.’

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, which is inexplicably given the acronym NORAD, coordinates the Canadian and American air-forces and nuclear weapons. They worked through the Cold War to keep North America safe from Soviet military threats. They provided our allies with a seriously powerful tool to help maintain peace. And if the Cold War was savagely lampooned in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, it was still taken seriously by millions of people who built fallout shelters in their backyards, stocked up on foodstuffs and, essentially, prepared for the impending holocaust.

Obviously these men and women were under a lot of pressure. To help relieve that, in 1955, they began using the technology available to them to not only protect our borders but to track Santa and provide national news networks with updates that they could pass along to children of all ages.

As technology progressed, NORAD began putting their Santa Tracker online so that anyone in the world could follow along. It’s a great site for kids, so make sure to bookmark it.

Now Andrew Hough, of the Telegraph UK, reports this has become one of the most popular web sites in the world.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has employed all its hi-tech equipment to follow Father Christmas as he, and his reindeer, travel the globe delivering presents.

Since its development three years ago, the Norad Father Christmas Tracker has become an internet sensation with close to a two billion hits.

Children can track Father Christmas through social networking sites including Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr, and TroopTube.

His progress can also be tracked with three dimensional “Father Christmas Cams”. Google will use its mapping service to give up-to-the-date analysis on where he is. This year will include streaming video of his journey for the first time.

“There are a lot of people who follow this in different ways,” said Lt. Desmond James, a public affairs officer with NORAD, which is also responsible for defending the US and Canada from incoming nuclear missiles.

Staff answer almost 100,000 phone calls and receive more than 140,000 emails from families around the world.

Father Christmas started his journey at 0900 GMT from his base at the North Pole. According to NORAD, Father Christmas usually starts at the International Date Line in the Pacific Ocean and travels west.

He generally visits the South Pacific first, then New Zealand and Australia, before heading to Japan, the rest of Asia, Africa, Western Europe, Canada, the United States, Mexico before finishing in Central and South America.

“But keep in mind, Santa’s route can be affected by weather, so it’s really unpredictable,” a NORAD spokesman said.

“NORAD coordinates with Santa’s Elf launch staff to confirm his launch time, but from that point on, Father Christmas calls the shots. We just track him.”

Norad claim they employ radar and satellites to track the infrared signal given off by Rudolph’s nose.

“NORAD tracks Father Christmas, but only Father Christmas knows his route, which means we cannot predict where and when he will arrive at your house,” he said.

“We do, however, know from history that it appears he arrives only when children are asleep.

“In most countries, it seems Father Christmas arrives between 9:00pm and midnight on December 24th. If children are still awake when Father Christmas arrives, he moves on to other houses. He returns later … but only when the children are asleep.”

The tradition dates back to 1955 when a Colorado Springs store ran an advertisement encouraging local children to call a special telephone hot line.

A printing error meant that the phone number for the Director of Operations at Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) was published instead, leading to the centre being inundated by calls from excited youngsters.

The head of the CONAD, which later became NORAD, instructed his staff to give the children updates on Santa’s position and the tradition was born.

They now offer the service to children around the world via a google earth map, providing the information in seven languages including English, Spanish and Chinese.

Col. John Bartholf, a commander with the New York Air National Guardsmen from the Eastern Air Defense Sector (EADS) added: “I can assure everyone that EADS will do everything in its power to assist Father Christmas with this critical mission.”

EADS’ Sector Operations Control Center (SOCC) will monitor Father Christmas constantly as he delivers toys and gifts.

What’s that? Your laughing at all this? You don’t believe in Santa Claus? You think this is all just a giant waste of resources?

You’re a doofus.

No less venerable a source than the 1897 New York Sun let it’s most veteran newsman, Francis Pharcellus Church, respond to one of the most famous letters in the history of journalism.

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

So there, take that!

On behalf of Father Christmas and myself, have a Safe and Happy Holiday.