Stories to Make You Feel Better About Being You

You can't, but it's fun to try.
You can't, but it's fun to try.
Ever since discovering that Idiocracy was actually a documentary, not much has surprised me. Even our very own little ray of sunshine, Corie Scarpaci, has been forced to admit that people with low IQs and even lower standards of personal hygiene have been coming to the fore. Once relegated to the fringes of society and made the butt of jokes designed to teach regular people how not to behave, these creeping examples of reverse Darwinism now want to run the country and make life altering decisions for you.

Gosh, what could possibly go wrong?

But, today, I don’t want to write about the obvious examples of moronity run amok. No, instead, I think we should take a glance at the beings who walk among us and pretend to be normal. Not that they do it well, mind you, but they do try nevertheless. Brendan Farrington from Associated Press has a wonderful year in review look at the state of Florida.

This year, Floridians learned that burials at sea don’t work if the body doesn’t sink, giant snail mucus can make you sick and that an underwire bra can stop a lawyer from visiting her client in prison.

Florida lived up to its reputation for being an odd state in 2010, with residents committing stupid crimes, making poor decisions and exhibiting general weirdness.

There was the man pulled over in Manatee County who claimed the crack in his crack wasn’t his. Officers found bags of marijuana and crack cocaine stuffed between the man’s butt cheeks. He said the pot was his but “the white stuff is not mine.”

[ED. NOTE – In Florida the “My BFF must have put it there when I wasn’t looking” precept is a legitimate defense.]

That was far from the only weird case handled by police. A 32-year-old Pasco County man called 911 to complain his mother took his beer, while police in Deland said a man walked out of a bar and head-butted a street preacher who called him a sinner. A Pasco County man was charged with slashing his father with a knife during an argument over who would walk the dog.

[ED. NOTE – Anger Management is more than just a bad movie, it’s a good idea.]

There were other strange dog stories. A man was walking his Jack Russell terrier in Tampa when an alligator snatched it. He pulled out his handgun and started shooting at the gator. It let go of the dog, but the pet wasn’t breathing until the man performed CPR and revived it.

[ED. NOTE – I once spent several hours reviving a goldfish to prevent a flood of tears. Said fish went on to live a long life before going to that big bowl in the sky. So I can’t really say anything about this guy.]

Dogs weren’t always the victim. A Hernando County man was run over by his own pickup truck after his dog jumped into the running vehicle and put it in gear.

[ED. NOTE – Teaching your pets basic driving safety rules is always a good idea.]

Threatening items that bomb squads had to handle this year included a box with two kittens in Cocoa and a stuffed pony in Orange County. Authorities blew up the stuffed pony, but spared the kittens. A Melbourne street was shut down for three hours, the time it took the bomb squad to figure out the flashing object in the middle of the street was a restaurant pager.

[ED. NOTE – And people are whining about minimum education requirements for peace officers in Chicago. Not any more!]

If that didn’t make you lose your appetite, this might: Several people in Miami complained got sick after consuming mucus from a giant snail in a religious ceremony.

[ED. NOTE – “Hey, Ma, lookee here. I got me one of them there dell a ka sees. Go head and give it a try!]

[ED. NOTE – Memo to self, do not join that religion.]

2010 wasn’t the year to mess with the elderly. An 84-year-old man was arrested in Bay County for allegedly hitting a deputy with his cane. Would-be robbers knocked an 83-year-old man to the ground in Clearwater only to turn and run when the victim pulled a gun on them. A 69-year-old woman turned back a robber after picking up the gun he dropped in her car while smashing the windshield with it. He also dropped his cell phone and was caught.

[ED. NOTE – Used to be we just stuck old folks in a home somewhere and fed them pablum. Now they’ve got Granny Strip-O-Grams. Gives me hope for my Golden Years.]

Weirdness didn’t just involve senior citizens: A Clay County woman was arrested after posting a photo of her baby with a bong on Facebook.

[ED. NOTE – DUH!]

Nor was odd news limited to the living. A family honoring a relative’s dying wish gave him a burial at sea, only to have the body resurface off a Fort Lauderdale beach. A Tampa-area couple paid $8 for a box of bones at a yard sale that they planned to use as Halloween decorations, until they got home and realized it was a real human skeleton.

[ED. NOTE – Umm, oops?]

Finally, Florida has the kind of corrections officials that will make you rethink what you’re wearing. A Miami attorney said she was kept from visiting her client at a federal detention center because the underwire of her bra set off the metal detector. After she took it off, she said guards wouldn’t let her in because she was braless.

[ED.NOTE – In Chicago, we have attorneys posing for Playboy. I think Florida’s got it wrong and we’ve got it right.]

So, there you have it. No matter how silly something is that you’ve recently done, you haven’t even begun to challenge these folks. How do I know that? Simple. You’re reading this. That’s clearly a skill far beyond anything those people can ever aspire to.

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