DUH! I Coulda Told You Dat!

Fans of Idiocracy can point to several death knells for intelligent thought. From the continued fascination some people have with astrology, despite its repeatedly proved uselessness, to the ongoing belief that the entire world works like a Tom Clancy novel.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good Clancy novel, but I’m well aware it’s fiction.

Add in kids who can’t tell the difference between a stripper pole and a snow shovel along with parents who would fail a 3rd grade spelling test and you have a whole lot of stupid roaming our fair planet.

Seriously, one mom wrote a note for her child that read, verbatim, “Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot”

That seems a tad harsh. Also, while spell check may not be a salvation it can be useful. I strongly suggest that particular mom give it a whirl.

But, as frightening as these people are, even more terrifying news has been brought to the fore by Portfolio.com. They’ve found that stupid people aren’t just breeding, they’re congregating. Using the following criteria, they took a look at the educational levels of Americans.

Dropped out before high-school graduation
(median of $19,405; 0.58 points)
Stopped at high-school diploma
(median of $26,894; 0.80 points)
Stopped at associate degree or attended college, but stopped without any degree
(median of $32,874; 0.98 points)
Stopped at bachelor’s degree
(median of $46,805; 1.40 points)
Earned graduate and/or professional degree
(median of $61,287; 1.83 points)

As you can see, they only awarded positive numbers for achievements. Now take a look at the list below. As far as I can tell, based on their negative results, these cities range from brain dead to functionally illiterate.

1. Merced, California (-2.558)
2. McAllen-Edinburg, Texas (-2.512)
3. Brownsville, Texas (-2.456)
4. Visalia, California (-2.372)
5. Bakersfield, California (-2.110)
6. Yakima, Washington (-2.049)
7. Laredo, Texas (-1.998)
8. Hickory, North Carolina (-1.878)
9. Fort Smith, Arkansas (-1.756)
10. Modesto, California (-1.717)

Sure, you want to laugh at the fact that the majority of stupid people live in either Texas or California. You want to until you realize, with a shudder, that some of the most powerful branches of the Federal Court system are in those two states.

Yes, you may feel free to panic now.

For the record, Chicago ranked a respectable 44th out of 200.

Because the Huffington Post knows that words and stuff are hard for some people to comprehend, they have distilled the report into a slide show. I’m not sure if that’s pathetic or helpful.

Even so, it has very pretty pictures, you’ll be safe there.

Nevertheless, given that immigrants need to know more than any of these people just to get a pass to stick around, I’m thinking that we should apply that base standard to the folks who are already here.

I’ll grant it’s not a solution, but it would be a heck of a start.