Your kids want to save the planet one rodent at a time. They’ve even gone so far as to make a DIY Mousetrap that treats the little critters humanely. They beg and whine about the cruelty to animals that humans inflict. The burgeoning intellectuals you’ve spawned may even go so far as to quote the famous e. e. cummings’ poem about “manunkind.”
Well folks, it’s time to duct tape those little radicals to a chair, jam a burger in their gullet and set the record straight. Let them know that enough is enough and that you’re getting yourself a vicious mousetrap that kills without remorse. If that doesn’t work, tell them you’re going to go ahead and get a gun. And then do it!
Radioactive rodents are preparing to take over the world!
MU HU HA HA HA!
Michael McLaughlin of AOL News has all the scary details.
Just because a mouse has been doused with radiation at a nuclear weapons site doesn’t mean that it has acquired superpowers, can shoot laser beams from its eyes and will soon come to subjugate humanity.
But at the same time, it’s more than a bit unsettling.
Workers at a former plutonium-production facility in Hanford, Wash., are hunting for a radioactive mouse after finding polluted droppings.
Earlier this month workers also trapped a radioactive rabbit in what is the nation’s most contaminated nuclear site, according to The Washington Post.
Washington State Department of Health officials told the Tri-City Herald that the atomic-age animals are probably harmless and noted that the suspicious droppings appeared in areas closed to the public.
Anti-nuclear activists at Greenpeace agree that the critters don’t pose a direct threat to humans — even though they’re loaded with hazardous waste. However, the organization says the tainted wildlife is evidence that there are long-lasting environmental hazards in the area that must be taken seriously.
“The radioactive bunny is a lead indicator that these site are contaminated,” Greenpeace nuclear policy analyst Jim Riccio told AOL News. “I don’t know how you put the genie back in the bottle after you contaminated these sites so terribly.”
The federal government created the Hanford site in the 1940s as a leading nuclear facility that produced weapons-grade plutonium throughout the Cold War.
In 2008, the federal government launched a $639 million decontamination plan that is expected to take decades to carry out. Workers are demolishing some of the most polluted buildings in the 586-square-mile zone.
About 60 mousetraps are in place, but the two mice snared so far haven’t shown traces of contamination.
Last year, 33 contaminated animals popped up in the off-limits area, the Tri-City Herald report said.
For Washington residents, the polluted wildlife is a hotly debated issue, but across the country it led comic book buffs on a stroll down memory lane.
Some of the most popular characters in the genre’s history, such as Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, acquired their powers through freak nuclear accidents.
But these days, atomic creation has gone out of style — meaning there probably won’t be any comics starring the Hanford Mouse, according to a clerk at Fat Jack’s Comic Crypt in Philadelphia.
“It’s comic book-esque in a classic setting,” said the employee who only give his first name, Matt, to AOL News. “It’s kind of a shallow incident. These days there are usually deeper qualities that set the story.”
Actually, only Spiderman was directly involved with conventional radiation. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were exposed to a substance called Mutagen and the Hulk was created by gamma rays.
I just felt someone should set the record straight.
And to Matt at Fat Jack’s Comics, “Shut up.” No one likes a smarmy smarty pants.
The Hanford Facility offers tours as long as you agree to leave your machete at home.
Me? I’m not taking that risk without a flame thrower and a Hazmat Suit.