Kick Ass Was a Documentary?

I bet you feel safer already!
I bet you feel safer already!
If you’re like me you like to get up in the morning, throw on a pair of ripped up Daisy Dukes with your favorite blonde wig and pretend to shammy your neighbor’s 1976 Camaro. Oh wait. Wrong dream.

But, maybe, somewhere in the back of our mind you’ve wanted to be a superhero. There’s a head-snapping change in visuals for you.

The idea’s been around ever since kids dreamt of donning armor and saving the damsel in distress. All in all it’s a harmless dream. Wanting to do good and help others is not a bad thing to have stuck in your craw.

But what if that’s not enough? What if your only hope of retaining your sanity lies in slipping on a pair of tights, a mask and some nunchucks? What do you do then? It seems you have two valid choices; (1) find a good therapist, or (2) join the Real Life Superheroes Club. The majority of you should choose option (1) and go find another article.

But, for you brave few who will not be denied, read on.

Alison Natasi from Cinematical reports that Seattle has become the hotbed of a new movement for people just like you.

A group of caped crusaders with names like Thorn, Green Reaper, Penelope, and Phoenix Jones have sprung up in Seattle. These masked vigilantes say they’re part of the Rain City Superhero Movement — self-described superheroes who patrol the streets at night and fight crime. They’re part of a larger movement of crime fighters who host this website for the Real Life Superhero community — giving tips to Regular Joes and Janes who want to take to the streets and perform “good deeds for the communitarian place whom he inhabits.” Someone’s been watching too much ‘Kick-Ass.’

Seattle police are getting a bit antsy about people putting themselves in unnecessary danger. A group of superheroes outside a gas station in ski masks didn’t bode well with authorities, and one dressed in all black was almost shot running out of a dark park. Phoenix claims he was stabbed “while trying to intervene with a drug dealer and a citizen.” Why do they risk it? “Because someone’s gotta do something,” the author of RLSH says.

These heroes don’t carry automatic weapons — opting for Tasers, nightsticks, and pepper spray instead — and Phoenix doesn’t think just anyone with a mask should be wandering the streets. “Everyone on my team either has a military background or a mixed martial arts background, and we’re well aware of what its costs to do what we do.” His costume includes a black cape, black fedora, blue tights, white belt and mask. His sidekick? A woman not in costume who usually drives him around to do his thing. So far, no confirmation if this is actually his mom.

A department spokesperson, Jeff Kappel, doesn’t seem to be having the same reaction to the group that former NYC mayor Ed Koch had to the Guardian Angels in the late ’70s. “There’s nothing wrong with citizens getting involved with the criminal justice process — as long as they follow it all the way through.” Kappel still recommends calling good old 911.

Just out of curiosity, how does one follow it all the way through? Do you flag down police with screams of “CITIZEN’S ARREST”? Do you go to court in costume when you have to testify?

If you’re a defense lawyer is your opening line “Your Honor, my client wasn’t a-rested, he was mo-lested!” and then point to the dude in tights?

Whatever the legal ramifications, I think it’s safe to say we all saw this coming. The level of technology and weaponry once only available to Bruce Wayne can now be yours just by surfing the web and busting out your mom’s Visa. Now all we need is a Real Life Super Villains’ Club to complete the set.

Oh, just ignore that whole Daisy Dukes thing. I was kidding.

You hope.

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