I May Move to Portsmouth

No one noticed her walking down the street.
The thought of doing anything in New Hampshire, besides drive through it on my way somewhere else, has never occurred to me. The Portsmouth web site doesn’t help either. The big event this week is “Restaurant Week” where you can “(try) fixed price lunches and dinners for $16.95 and $29.95, respectively. It’s a great opportunity to dine at a favorite spot or try one you’ve been thinking about.” Sure, someone may be powering up the Nick-Mobile to go and give it a try but the rest of us are more inspired to yawn. Moreover, Portsmouth’s main industry is ship building. While they are very good at it, it’s not exactly the kind of thing that gets folks talking about the good time they had there. Let’s face it, one good nature walk and a peek at the “Harbor Cam” and you’ve seen all there is to see.

Or so I thought.

It turns out that there’s more to Portsmouth than meets the eye. 2 articles in the last 3 days have given me a valid reason to reconsider my stance. First was the robbery of an adult book store. Elizabeth Dinan of SeacoastOnline.com reports the facts.

Officers were dispatched to the southbound Route 1 Bypass store before 10 a.m. Friday, when an employee discovered the building had been broken into. Police Capt. Corey MacDonald said someone pushed an air conditioner through a window and climbed through the opened space.

Detectives collected physical evidence and the Police Department’s crime scene van was on site throughout the morning. Reported stolen were “an array of adult items” and a Carmen Electra-brand stripper pole, MacDonald said.

The police captain said he is not releasing details about most of the stolen items, but is notifying the public about the pole because it’s large and may help solve the crime.

The Fifth Wheel is owned and operated by Linda and Jim Rossetti, who celebrated the 30th anniversary of the business last May.

Can you imagine how many times a CSI had to say “yuck” as they searched for evidence amongst the mayhem? And, second, isn’t it wonderful that a mom and pop business can survive 30 years in our economy? Besides, I’ve gotta go with the cops on this one, it can’t be that hard to find a guy wandering around with a ten foot stripper pole that has Carmen Electra’s logo on it. That kind of thing gets noticed in church.

But if that was the only story I would have ignored it. Sure it’s fun and sleazy but it’s a little off the beaten path of things that would interest the fine citizens of Chicago.

So you can imagine my joy this morning when I discovered the following article, also written by Elizabeth Dinan.

Police launched a noontime search for a city woman described as wearing handcuffs and a “ball gag.”

Capt. Mike Schwartz said the call began at a downtown restaurant where the woman dined, then left wearing the cuffs and gag.

“A woman who called (police) was interested in getting the cuffs back,” said Schwartz.

The police captain said the case is under investigation and may or may not lead to a theft charge. According to emergency radio communications, the calling party has the keys to the handcuffs for when the woman is located.

The woman is described as about 5′ 5”, 30 years old and Caucasian.

First off, let’s take a look at the facts. Woman #1 was eating in a fine Portsmouth restaurant and had brought along her handcuffs. Woman #2 , who stole the handcuffs, was at the same restaurant wearing a ball gag.


Not one person thought that any of this was odd in the slightest. They just went about eating their fresh seafood and watching the Harbor Cam as though nothing was amiss. That whole “Restaurant Week” is suddenly sounding pretty cool.

Dear God, I may have found a place where I can finally fit in.

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