Yesterday, the Nude Hippo crew got together for a photo shoot at Chicago Costume and everyone got to play dress up. Since they didn’t have an Elvis costume that fit me, I ended up being the world’s largest Dick …. Tracy.
BTW, big ups to the staff there. They were great!
Nevertheless, as the photo shoot wore on, I noticed that the girls of Nude Hippo were edging perilously close to, soft-core, lesbian porn. “Clearly,” I said to myself, “these poor young ladies need a release.”
And, since I am nothing if not kind and giving, I am here to provide one.
Sorry guys, today’s blog is just for our female readers. You can come back tomorrow.
All gone? Good.
As you know, ever since Pavlov’s dogs went hungry, scientists have known that certain things can act as mnemonic devices.
Don’t panic, I’ll tie this all together in a minute.
Maybe it’s the smell of an apple pie. It might bring back memories of sitting in your grandmother’s kitchen, listening to her reminisce about the good old days when gas was a quarter and cigarettes couldn’t kill you.
Or maybe it’s a beautiful sunrise. It may take you back to the morning after prom and find you smiling because you, to this day, have no idea what happened to your dress that night.
It might even be a special word. Every time I hear supercalifragilisticexpialidocious I immediately think of Julie Andrews’ naked breasts in, Blake Edward’s classic film, S.O.B.
But what you need is a mnemonic device which you can call at will that will get you through those tough times.
So, imagine if you can, firm hands holding your hips, a tongue darting furtively over each vertebrae of your spine as it works its way up to the nape of your neck so that teeth can gently rake across ….
See how that works? Say our special word and you’ll be thinking of the above imagery instantly.
Let’s try one more.
You’re wearing your private-moment nylons, and not much more, as fingers drag sensuously up the back of your thighs and hot breath pulses in your ear. Suddenly, you gasp as he …
Okay, you seem to have the hang of this now. We wouldn’t want to overdo things.
In the future, when your boss hands you last quarter’s financials, which are rife with errors and outright fabrications, and asks you to turn them into next quarter’s projections and you know by doing so you are inviting a visit from the F.B.I. in the wee hours of some random morning, just let your knees drift gently apart as you whisper “scongdoodle.”
I bet you feel better already.
I know I do.
The next time you feel those personal tensions beginning to overwhelm you, just step to the side, say the magic word, feel that release, maybe even a shudder or two, and get back to what you were doing all calm and refreshed with no threat of an embarrassing You Tube moment.
Like I said, I’m nothing if not kind and giving.