Interesting People

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You'd wear it, you know you would.

I once knew a guy who claimed to be the world's best Polish ninja. I had no idea what the competition for that title would be so I wisely kept my opinions to myself. My guess is that it would be similar to the quality of talent competing to be known as the Best Rapper in Utah. But you never know. There could be a few thousand Bruce Lee's secretly living in Warsaw. However, except for his fascination with Polish ninjas he was otherwise reasonably sane. Or so I thought. One day I opened my morning paper to discover that he had attempted to use his legendary Polish ninja skill to rob a poker game. Which was being held in the home of a bounty … [Read more...]

Dance With The Dead

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Baby, you really rattle my bones!

People honor their dead in many different ways. They hold memorials on the date someone special passed away. Those memorials often become more a balm for the living than anything else, but there is nothing wrong with that. In Mexico they celebrate Dia de los Muertos also known as Day of the Dead. Simply put it is a celebration of anyone you knew who died. A small shrine is set up with cakes and candies and food and, in the case of people who would hang out with me, tequila. In this ritual the dead aren't just remembered, they're invited to dinner. In China the shi ceremony takes that a bit further and has a person become inhabited by the … [Read more...]

The Love Boat, Strippers and a Room Full of Republicans

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Why yes Mr. Akin, I can turn it back on.

What an amazing convergance we are witnessing. A tropical storm, and possible hurricane, named after notorious left wing loony Ted Lange's famous bartender. As is well known Ted's won awards for supporting crazy crap like equal rights and froo-froo intellectualism with his ongoing teaching of Shakespeare. Like anyone reads any more. What a bunch of silliness. Anyway, as Isaac barrels towards Tampa police realized they had a couple of problems; (1) where to put all the left wing loonies, like Ted, after they get arrested and what to do about ugly whores. After all, there are God-fearing Republicans coming to town. They have jobs and money so … [Read more...]

Heigh Ho

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I have no idea why sex with miners is illegal.

One of the reasons movies like Independence Day don't make factual sense, no matter how much fun they are, is that there's no reason for any group of sentient beings to go anywhere to get raw resources. Every solar system is already full of them. The same holds true here. In fact there's so much stuff floating around that we could all be kazillionaires if, and this is the catch, we could just get into space and mine the asteroids. Governments can't afford that kind of research, no matter the possible reward, you can't afford it and, God knows, my bank isn't about to toss me a line of credit so that I can go hopping into the wild blue yonder. … [Read more...]

Well, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

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Lots of things seem like good ideas at the time. I'm sure 20% of marriages could be chalked up to "Why not Smootchie-Poo? There's a chapel in Vegas." The same reason hospitals now post signs in maternity wards reminding people that carnal relations, at this point of events, are a bad idea. Why? Because someone said "Hey honey, my water jes broke, wanna get one more time in afore they wheel me away?" I've already regaled readers with my own attempts at creative suicide when I tried to pretend I was Evel Knieval and when I tried to build my own mortar launcher. Yes, I was a kid and, yes, they seemed like great ideas at the time. And, yes, I'm … [Read more...]

Fun With Poles

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If you're like me, and there are three minor deities that pray diligently that you're not, then you know the joys of pole dancing. Or, at least, watching pole dancing. Certainly, as everyone knows, the Nude Hippo World News Center has its own pole (for recreational purposes only) and many other companies have followed suit. It really is a morale booster on those long winter afternoons. And summer mornings and fall evenings and .... Anyway, it helps a lot. Sometimes people misunderstand the joys of the pole, like this Floridian who took a sledge hammer to a perfectly good pole because he hated paying his electric bill. Don't look for logic, I … [Read more...]

It’s Time to PAAAARRR-TAAAYYY!

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I know, I know, it's Monday morning and you're barely functioning. Depending on how bad the weekend was you might be finally reading your Bible making lots of promises to Yahweh/God/Allah that involve behavior you've never, not even once, exhibited. Or maybe your thanking the officer for not tasing you as your lawyer tries to explain to the judge that it was all a harmless prank and, let's be fair, the two strippers and the pony are going to be just fine and the trampoline could be replaced. On the other hand, maybe you're like the couple in Florida who decided it would be a GREAT idea to have sex on a 30 foot high dive at a public pool. … [Read more...]