Oddlings

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Oooh, yeah baby, wash those dirty hands ....

I sometimes get the feeling that you and I don't live in the same world. Oh, we see the same TV channels and all that but, somehow, I see things that others miss. And, more importantly, I don't understand how they get missed. Everyone I know was all "fiscal cliff this" and "fiscal cliff that." I, on the other hand, was all abuzz about Oompa Loompa rage. How could you not fear for the future of humanity when confronted with this sentence; "A man in Norfolk, England, was reportedly attacked last week by a pair of Oompa Loompas." How can you just go about your day knowing that a crazed Oompa Loompa could accost you at an time? But when I tried … [Read more...]

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

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Okay, what else rhymes with orange?

I realize that we live in a world that not only celebrates diversity but actually requires it to survive. So, in my day to day existence, when I note that this is different than that I usually applaud that knowledge, albeit silently so that I don't get taken to a happy place with soft walls. You would be surprised how many people will call their local constabulary when faced with someone cheering wildly to themselves. You'd be even more amazed at the lack of humor displayed by the local gendarmes when they arrive. You would think that a lack of a sense of humor was a requirement for their job. Of course, the fact that they have guns kind of … [Read more...]

Be Alert! The World Needs More Lerts!

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danger1

Yesterday we took a look at some incredibly dense people who clutter up our world. And I heard from people who really, really, wanted everything I wrote to be satire. Sadly, it wasn't. There really are United States citizens who can't find the U.S. on a map. There are also people who think that Back to the Future is a documentary. These people are, to be polite, morons. What kills me about each and everyone of them is that, when presented with proof that they are 100% wrong, they'll just shrug and say "we agree to disagree." No, no we don't. Facts are not opinions. They either are or are not. You do not get to say "Ohh, I like this fact but … [Read more...]

Not Every Moron is From Florida

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moron

You, as an astute reader of this blog and rabid follower of its subsequent podcasts, know that Florida is where the human genome goes to die. It's become the standing joke in this country and even funnier than the whole Texas secession plan. At some point it feels as though we're piling on but there are some truths that we hold to be self evident and the fact that Florida is populated by very stupid people is one of them. For example, the nice man who blames the prison system for causing him to commit bigamy. Basically he claims he was too drugged for his many problems to remember he had a wife. No word on if his wife remembered that she had … [Read more...]

Dress For Success!

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pet3_cheerleader

You, like so many others these days, find yourself looking for work. You shine your shoes, clean and press your suit or dress and make sure your hair and teeth are properly brushed. You do your best to look like the professional you are or wish to be, as the case may be. Soon, you discover that some jobs, like rodeo clown, are far more dangerous than they appeared in 70's TV shows. They also don't pay well. Others, like CEO of a major corporation, pay really well but require skills and education that you may be lacking. Still others make you think that being homeless might be a smart career choice. For example, yesterday I was offered the … [Read more...]

Santa’s Been Naughty and Nice

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Bad Santa-300

It's tough enough allowing kids to maintain their belief in Santa Claus these days. Between media over commercialization of the holiday and more and more PC cynics demanding that everyone be told the truth NO MATTER WHAT and the nudge nudge wink wink news programs that undercut children's convictions, parents find themselves fighting a losing, though valiant, battle to keep innocence alive. Add in the fact that the underlying reason for the holiday is pressed further and further into the background every year and you can understand why some folks just give up, hand out a couple of gift cards and call it a day. So, when stories like … [Read more...]

What A Waste of Perfectly Good Money

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Money2

For those who think this is going to be one of those pretentious polemics whining about the government's wasteful purchase of $10,000 toilet seats or some fool's ridiculously overpriced wedding, you are about to be disappointed. It's not that I can't write about stuff like that, it's just that it's not really funny. I'd rather leave you with a smile than a splitting headache. Besides, I'm in a good mood this morning, so why drag myself down? My Northwest Dot Com reports that a group of bank robbers decided to evade capture by tossing large quantities of money out of the window of a Nissan Maxima. Much to their surprise the police were … [Read more...]