Florida + WalMart = Danger!

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First dates are always so magical ....

While the nice people at WalMart may think that they are a great place to shop and that people go there because it's a great way to save 19% versus shopping at Jewel, the reality speaks otherwise. In Illinois, for example, you get a lot of people who wear tinfoil bikinis or big fuzzy bird outfits. These people, while bizarre as hell are usually harmless. The same applies to the folks out in Wyoming or Nevada (where bunghole fingering seems to be a state wide hobby). While you might not want to shake hands with these people, and you certainly wouldn't let them near your food or your children, there's no real reason to call 911 upon sight. … [Read more...]

It’s The Fun-Shine State

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See? They're not really off the grid, it just seems that way.

Well, the world famous Florida Python hunt is over. 1,600 people paid $25 apiece to kill a total of 68 pythons. Considering that there are over 150,000 pythons loose in the swamps of Florida this was not a rousing success. Add in the fact that the unofficial numbers, no one will even mumble near a reporter, state that there were about 400 injuries and you have a pretty dismal showing. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is calling it a "wonderful learning experience." One gets the impression that the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission was cheering for the pythons. After all, the rules they came up with sound like something you would … [Read more...]

Thinning the Herd

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Yep, that about sums it up nicely.

People do stupid things. It's a given. It is, in many cases, why this blog exists. I'm sure you all remember the guy who died from a cockroach eating overdose when he was trying to win a live python. Well, his death is related to our story here today. And, yes, this all occurs in Florida. You see, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has come up with a great idea. In one fell swoop they will be able to increase the state's IQ and reduce its population total. The twisted genius behind it is gloriously simple. They are taking the mentality behind "Hey ya'll, watch this" and making it a contest. And, just to make sure they get … [Read more...]


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On December 14, 2012 a young man with many troubles walked into a school and killed 26 human beings, 20 of them children. He did this after he'd already killed his mother. This much we know. What happened next would have been laughable if it wasn't so sadly predictable. Left wingnuts are going to use this isolated incident to take away our right to bear arms. Right wingnuts are going to use this sadly common occurrence to demand that we arm kindergardeners. Centrist wingnuts .... oh wait, there's no such thing. When this story first broke I wrote on a friend's FB post what the reactions would be. The bodies were still warm in the school when … [Read more...]

Fun Things You Should Avoid

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Home made condoms are a good example of a bad idea.

We all know there are things we probably shouldn't do. I'm not just talking about some tawdry night in a bar that goes wrong and right at the same time. No, I'm talking about those decisions we make while allegedly sober. For example, some people, mostly teenagers, seem to think that putting an ice cube on a hand full of salt is big fun. And it is as long as you're a fan of major burns. Other kids like to try the cinnamon challenge because nothing says "good times" like puking up enough red dust to look like you're an extra in Dune. And before you go off railing against the idiocies of public education, I should note that Lela Davidson from … [Read more...]

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

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Okay, what else rhymes with orange?

I realize that we live in a world that not only celebrates diversity but actually requires it to survive. So, in my day to day existence, when I note that this is different than that I usually applaud that knowledge, albeit silently so that I don't get taken to a happy place with soft walls. You would be surprised how many people will call their local constabulary when faced with someone cheering wildly to themselves. You'd be even more amazed at the lack of humor displayed by the local gendarmes when they arrive. You would think that a lack of a sense of humor was a requirement for their job. Of course, the fact that they have guns kind of … [Read more...]

Who Needs Aliens with Freaks Like These?

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Today's a pretty good day to be me. Not that you'd want to do that, your family would have you committed, but if you were used to the rigors of living my life then today would not be a bad day in the great pantheon of days. Thanks to the Divine Ms. Freak I got the Christmas present I really wanted. Some would say sorely needed. Plus I scored a new gig for the new year and got to eat Chinese. Not a bad way to start a week if I do say so myself. In fact it was much better than some of the alternatives we're going to look at here today. We'll start in Florida, naturally, where a man was shot while robbing a home. What makes this story so … [Read more...]

People Not Like Us

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We all know that one special person, usually a guy, who somehow, despite life's best efforts, continues to breathe our air and comment on that fact. This is not the person who's done something a little off center, this is the person who had his eyelids tattooed pink. And then noted that his career in customer service had been hampered by his boss' wrongheaded devotion to dealing with the customers. In other words, the kind of person who makes life choices that would baffle the most unusual among us. Also, no matter what, this person needs $20 until Tuesday. It is with that delightful species of sub human in mind that we tackle today's … [Read more...]

It’s Getting Weird Out There

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Man there is a whole boatload of dumb out there today. I'm talking about the levels of seriously stupid that get normally rational people to reconsider the concept of eugenics. How stupid, you ask? Well, let's start with today's winner from Park Forest Illinois. He robbed his longtime friends at gun point and was stunned, STUNNED I TELL YOU, that they were able to easily identify him and have him arrested. Or how about the wanker who went to a public lake, the kind with lots of families and normal people, and decided to fish naked? Is that dumb enough for you? I do love this quote, "He was sitting with his legs wide open, fishing pole in … [Read more...]

Dangerous Times

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Once upon a time, DJ Chucky D. wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." And while he's written raps that have more popular appeal in our modern times, such as his famous Bah! Humbug!, none seem more salient to me. It's not that our era is any more dangerous than any other, far from it, it's just that the lunatics, once relegated to the fringes where it was hoped they they would forget how to procreate, now permeate our headlines. This blog is a standing testament to the idiocy of others. I would rather write about many things, the Sunday science blogs come to mind, but the vast majority of our Hippo readers are fascinated … [Read more...]