Nature Hates You

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It's because of you that people like Poison Ivy exist.

In a world where Monsanto is allowed to exist ... scratch that, in a world where Monsanto owns their own Supreme Court Justice it should not come as a surprise that bad things can and will happen. The only surprise is that they don't happen more often. I wrote about the recent appearance of Zombees, which are exactly what you think they are, and how the world's food supply could be eradicated very quickly. I also wrote about even the most organic of farms were being polluted by genetically altered seeds and pesticides. Things have gotten so bad that the corpse flower, named for it's fun smell, is nearing extinction and is being kept alive … [Read more...]

Just Say Yes

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She's rocking that sexy look!

We've all been there. The one night stand that was not a very good idea. Whether the date was "Coyote Ugly" (so ugly you'd chew your arm off rather than wake him/her) or that downward spiral of realizing you were trapped with ten pounds of crazy stored in a five pound bag, doesn't matter. What matters is that you've been there. As have I. However, there are people who don't quite grasp the concept of leaving. Of walking out the door, catching a cab, going to breakfast and pretending this never happened. Even if something shows up on You Tube, you just deny, deny, deny. For whatever reasons, and I blame meth or home schooling or some … [Read more...]

It’s Doomsday Again!

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Today's blog will clearly explain why most scientists are hardened alcoholics by the age of 6. You may think that scientists are just nutty or absent minded but, in reality, they're either drunk or suffering through the DTs on their way to a bar. You'll understand why in a moment. My first draft of this blog was about the latest search for alien life. It was based on a great article by Ian O'Neill. Oh, go ahead, click on his name to read it. It will be worth your while. Anyway, it all came down to how SETI is using new techniques and data supplied by the, space based, Kepler telescope to study solar systems that are known to have planets … [Read more...]

I Did Not Know that RNC Stood for Rabidly Nude & Crazy

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Valet parking gone horribly wrong.

Okay, that's a cheap shot at the Republican National Convention which just wrapped up in Tampa. And I can certainly understand why the local media in Florida decided to downplay some of the zanier stories coming down the pike. It was a chance for their state to shine on the international stage so, obviously, the last thing anyone would want is actual Floridians on TV. After all, those are the same people who taught their teenagers that swallowing bleach would stop AIDS. Of course this is also the state where a room full of lawyers were so frightened by the color orange, kind of a problem in a state known for its oranges, that they fired a big … [Read more...]

People Not Like Us

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It is, however, acceptable to eat them in cafes and in alleys.

Once upon a time on a dark and stormy night there was a cliche waiting to happen. Maybe not as obvious as a serial killer with the middle name Wayne, but blindingly obvious nonetheless. Today's blog is all about that kind of stuff. Speaking of cliches I am currently sitting in one. It is a hipster cafe called, naturally, the New Wave Coffee House. Black and white photos of crap you don't care about? Check. "Outsider art?" You betcha. Inexplicable pop culture reference? Yep. Foreign soundtrack? In spades. Or "oui" if you prefer. I am here for a wide variety of reasons but mostly because they have free Wi Fi and food. Both of those things are … [Read more...]

Welcome To Our World

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Mom and dad are so proud.

Those of you who stop by here regularly know that I have a lot of fun at the expense of stupid people. Usually, hilarious though they may be, they are only a danger to themselves and their immediate surroundings. Like the lady from Michigan who was so excited by being able to send a text message that she fell off a pier and into Lake Michigan. She was kept afloat by a savvy teen and her hubby until the Coast Guard arrived and, once they stopped laughing, rescued her. Or maybe you're thrilled by the residents of Simi Valley, California who have passed a law forcing porn stars to wear condoms when they shoot, as it were, their films. They did … [Read more...]

You’re Too Sexy For Your Church

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Western religion has had a long problem with the whole idea of sex. Some of the earliest porn can be found in the Old Testament, or the Talmud if you prefer, with the Songs of Solomon of the tales of Bathsheba. Yet right along side those tales are the many admonitions against everything (except selling your daughters) in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Among others. The various western religions preach peace above all else and, yet, glorify the stories of King David. A guy who sent his buddy to die so he could bang his wife. And that was one the of the nicer things he's credited with. So it should come as no surprise that, after several thousand … [Read more...]

When Trash Hunts Through Trash

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If you want to kill a bunch of your brain cells pick up a copy of Battlefield Earth and plow through it. One of the most blatantly racist books ever written it is almost incomprehensible in many other ways as well. For example, all the "good Chinese" people are Mandarins. You remember them, those fun loving, caste system enabling, psychotic bureaucrats? Gosh, they'd be my first choice too. Oh, and then there are those thrilling Germans. Somehow, according to the book, they managed to maintain a complete history of banking and a viable way to implement it even though .... wait for it .... there was no money for centuries. Let us not forget … [Read more...]

What Do You Mean Funny? Funny How?

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Back in the halcyon days of radio there used to be shows dedicated to Friday Funnies. There are now many Internet sites dedicated to that same premise. Lets face it, people like to laugh. Given the state of the world around us it might be more accurate to say that people need to laugh. Otherwise we'd all be up in bell towers with sniper rifles. Also, let's be blunt, we live in Illinois, if it weren't for the laugh factor we'd never vote at all. People find humor in many things ranging from the pain of others to the nuances of the spoken word. This blog survives because I occasionally find things that make folks, just like you, smile. Also … [Read more...]