Fear of Flying

My ex wife was terrified of flying. She hinted at this problem but never fully shared her concerns. She also hated being away from me for extended periods of time. So, naturally, when I had a business trip to France I bought her a ticket. The first leg of the trip, to London, was uneventful. When we got there we were greeted by long line, the British love lines, and then were informed that the plane we were supposed to take to France was the subject of a bomb threat. She kind of lost her mind and refused to board a plane that was being screened by people wearing bomb repellent gear. As it turns out there are laws in the UK that state that if … [Read more...]

Happy Easter

That's the Easter bunny of my youth. How about yours?

Last year I wrote about the history of Easter. Mostly how it came to get that name since there is no such word in the Bible. Long story short, the holiday got blended with the Pagan celebration of the goddess Ostara a/k/a Eastre. She was, still is I would guess, a fertility goddess so the whole rebirth / resurrection theme fit well with the pagans of the day. And, while odd at its face, the whole eggs, bunnies and resurrection theme has had it's uses. As I also noted the tradition of handing out eggs replaced human sacrifice. So that was some good news for folks. And, since the traditions were already mangled, Eastern Europeans now celebrate … [Read more...]

Vi la papa

When Pope John Paul II visited Miami in 1987 a T-shirt maker printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the visit. Instead of "Vi el Papa (I saw the Pope)" the shirts read "vi la papa (I Saw the Potato)." Let's hope we can do better when the next pope comes to town. Because, let's be honest, this new pope will come to America. Pope Francis is from South America and Latins are the largest group of Catholics in the world. More importantly, for us Gringos, is that many of those faithful have migrated to our beloved Casa del Norte. In a day filled with papal firsts, (1) 1st pope from the Americas, (2) 1st Latin pope, (3) 1st Jesuit … [Read more...]

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

But flammable underwear seemed like such a hot idea ...

Did you see the Oscars last night? Me neither. Having a complete stranger tell me how much they love me, when they really just love the $10 I paid for the damn ticket, is not as heartwarming as these professional sociopaths seem to think. Add in the fact that they expect me to make a time commitment that lasts longer than most dates, and that includes the sex, and you can see why I might find something else to do with my time. I rearranged my sock drawer and cheered on the Blackhawks. Also there's the Les Miz factor. Anyone who has anything to do with Les Miz is too stupid to be supported. It's a rule. Look it up. Seriously, this is a musical … [Read more...]

Surprise!

Surprise circumcision. Unexpected colonoscopy. Unanticipated splenectomy. Waking up to find your left lung attempting to crawl out your throat. I don't mean the last one literally but it sure felt like it around 5 AM. I woke up coughing which, if logic still works, means I was coughing in my sleep. Which is very odd. Nevertheless, I managed to get myself upright and soon enough the wall and I agreed not to leave each other. When I could finally gulp air I staggered into the bathroom and coughed up a spongy Volvo. Four cylinder engine and transmission included. Anyway, as you can readily tell, there are some things which may not be considered … [Read more...]

Alien Arrivals

The last time a meteorite slammed into earth with any ferocity it happened in Tunguska. That event flattened trees and led to much wild speculation as to the possible cause. Answers ranged from the ludicrous, ALIENS ATTACK, to the interesting, antimatter, to the logical, a meteorite. One thing that couldn't be denied was that the blast laid waste to a forest as though a bowling ball had been slammed into a sculpture made of toothpicks. Just in case it comes up I'll break out the theories for you. The Alien Attack one is the funniest. It involves, just like ancient alien believers claim happened at Sodom and Gomorrah, a nuclear attack. … [Read more...]

Cheese Wars?

Just when you thought cheese couldn't get any sexier.

Why am I still surprised by stuff? Probably because some things would never occur to me. I have never woke up in the morning and thought that wandering into a swamp filled with deadly animals and heavily armed people would be a great way to start my day. Yet, in Florida, that's exactly what hundreds of fun lovers are doing. So far there have been no reported fatalities. In fact many of the things I write about I would never do. No sane person would. The one fun thing about writing this blog is that I never have an idea what people will react to. My recent article about the history of cheese led me to receive multiple emails from people who … [Read more...]

Sexapalooza 2012

While some of the below stories have graced this blog this year, seeing them all in one place is so impressive that it must be shared. And the beautiful part about it is that they have edited out the naked criminals - like the guy who robbed a 7-11 or the guy who peed on a police car while naked - to keep the list as short as it is. This is a state where it is illegal to molest an alligator or a manatee, and has been for years, but only recently have they outlawed sex with menstruating donkeys and so on, and that is being contested. Because, well, you know, God given rights and all that. But, as you scroll through this list and click each … [Read more...]

Getting Around

Yet another reason cities love tourists.

People used to love to travel. You would go to the airport, have a smoke and a drink while you waited for your flight. Then you'd get on the plane and be treated like a god. Personal service, a smoking section and food that rivaled stuff served in better restaurants. The same held true for cross country train travel. To a lesser degree bus travel as well. The one thing all three had in common was that happiness of the traveler was sacrosanct. The transportation companies wanted to get you from point A to point B as quickly and as comfortably as possible. A friend of mine is a professional in the tourism industry. She claims, loudly after a … [Read more...]