Just Say Yes

We've all been there. The one night stand that was not a very good idea. Whether the date was "Coyote Ugly" (so ugly you'd chew your arm off rather than wake him/her) or that downward spiral of realizing you were trapped with ten pounds of crazy stored in a five pound bag, doesn't matter. What matters is that you've been there. As have I. However, there are people who don't quite grasp the concept of leaving. Of walking out the door, catching a cab, going to breakfast and pretending this never happened. Even if something shows up on You Tube, you just deny, deny, deny. For whatever reasons, and I blame meth or home schooling or some … [Read more...]

Do We Really Need This?

The world has never needed an electric dog polisher. That hasn't stopped someone from inventing one but my soul is heartened by the fact that it didn't sell well. Although I am saddened that it sold at all. History is littered idea that should never have made it out of the bar. And you know that all of these ideas were hatched in bars. It is the only excuse for the brilliant children's toy, Boner the Humping Dog. No, that's not a typo. How about the beginner's guide to Russian Roulette? You know, so you can get in a few practice rounds before you play with live rounds. Of course I would be remiss if I didn't mention a dumb idea that could … [Read more...]

It’s Not About Justice

Creationists demand that only people who have first person experience of the events as they happened be allowed to teach evolution. Since there are no multi-million year old people running around they claim victory. Maybe they'll accept the word of a guy who was born when Christ walked the earth. He was a Jew too. Just like Jesus. Then there are those who argue that only middle aged white men should be able to tell minority women what to do with their vaginae. They tend to base their argument on the long held scientific research espoused in Leviticus. As noted in a famous letter, that has led to some problems; Lev. 25:44 states that I may … [Read more...]

PAR-TAY!

For the last six weeks I have been living a bourbon free existence. Not that I've been a vestal virgin it's just that I have been trying to get healthy. Note I did not say healthier. Zombies would have qualified at that low level. As I told my buddy this morning I just do what the doctor tells me and I feel better every day. I have also lost about 6 inches off my waist and no longer look like I was filled with helium by some demented scientist. So life is kind of fun again. Also I no longer require oxygen when I walk up a flight of stairs. Actually, I often required oxygen at the mere thought of walking up a flight of stairs. This, much to my … [Read more...]

Florida + WalMart = Danger!

While the nice people at WalMart may think that they are a great place to shop and that people go there because it's a great way to save 19% versus shopping at Jewel, the reality speaks otherwise. In Illinois, for example, you get a lot of people who wear tinfoil bikinis or big fuzzy bird outfits. These people, while bizarre as hell are usually harmless. The same applies to the folks out in Wyoming or Nevada (where bunghole fingering seems to be a state wide hobby). While you might not want to shake hands with these people, and you certainly wouldn't let them near your food or your children, there's no real reason to call 911 upon sight. … [Read more...]

It’s The Fun-Shine State

See? They're not really off the grid, it just seems that way.

Well, the world famous Florida Python hunt is over. 1,600 people paid $25 apiece to kill a total of 68 pythons. Considering that there are over 150,000 pythons loose in the swamps of Florida this was not a rousing success. Add in the fact that the unofficial numbers, no one will even mumble near a reporter, state that there were about 400 injuries and you have a pretty dismal showing. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is calling it a "wonderful learning experience." One gets the impression that the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission was cheering for the pythons. After all, the rules they came up with sound like something you would … [Read more...]

Communication is Key

One ringy dingy .... two ringy dingy ....

There are days where I stare at the universe and say "Really, Universe, that's your go to move?" It happens when I see stuff that is head slappingly dumb. But before we start our cavalcade of face palms I thought I'd share a hopeful moment. I was on the bus when a young mom and her son, dressed in his full Boy Scout regalia, got on. He was around 10 I would guess. They were headed to some special event. The kid seemed genuinely excited about it whatever it was. The mom was questioning her son abut all the eye rolling things moms normally ask when I heard her say "Will there be gays there?" The kid, bless his little soul, turned to face her … [Read more...]

Teachin’ ‘Em Up Good Like

First off, I have good news for the male readers of this blog. A new study has just been released that shows, definitively, that men who don't do housework get more sex than those who do. So when you hear a neighbor brag that her hubby helps clean the kitchen or whatever, remind yourself that he may as well be sleeping on the couch for all the good it does him. Nope, the message is clear, go do your manly stuff and then park your butt on the couch and wait your turn. Heck, if you get it right she should even bring you a sammich and a cold beer. Basically it all comes down to role playing, just not like the kind they do in Fifty Shades of … [Read more...]

Deadly Foods

Every week I get something from someone proving that ancient aliens existed. And every week I end up wasting some time pointing out the obvious flaws in their, for lack of a better term, evidence. It gets draining. "The buildings at Puma Punku could only have been built with laser guided tools!!!!!" Why? They're made from red sandstone. You could work that with a chisel. And they did. "Tolima had fighter jets and made icons to them!!!!" The argument here is that the items do not look like any bird or insect but have wings. This is how stupid people think. One quick look at other Tolima art would show a lovely catfish with fins on its bottom … [Read more...]

Fast Food, Slow Brains

They look good enough to eat. So do the burgers for that matter.

Why don't red states have to worry about a zombie apocalypse? Because zombies need brains to survive. Back on May 9th, 2012, North Carolina passed a GREAT law called "Amendment 1." It effectively makes any relationship, other than heterosexual marriage, and only marriage, illegal. 61% of the mouth breathers that call NC home voted in favor of this law. As of now the law has had no effect on anything. It hasn't been challenged since it hasn't been enforced. Also in May of last year, it was a busy month, Kansas passed Senate Bill 79. It was designed to prevent anyone from having to submit to Muslim laws. Because, as you know, the 1% of the … [Read more...]