May the 4th Be With You

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May 4, 2013 by Bill McCormick

You have the cutest Tatooinies I've ever seen.

Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. A minor holiday in Mexico but a complete blowout here in the US. That's fine. Lots of holidays - St Patrick's day, Hanukkah, etc. - mean very little in their homelands but become exciting excuses to drink here in America. Also exciting excuses to drink are; Sanforized toupees, the correct spelling of cat, cartoon penguins, finding a penny, art films with gratuitous nudity, two ply, yo-yos (plural only), sun dresses, free wi fi, side boob, unibrows, ... the list goes on an on. Let's face it. Americans will use any excuse to have a drink. If they can have those drinks while carrying a loaded weapon, then so much the … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: 4th, gardening, naked, star wars

You’ve Got a Lovely Pair of Noids

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May 3, 2013 by Bill McCormick

MAKE THE VOICES STOP SINGING NICKI MINAJ SONGS!

Last week, on the radio version of this blog (as heard on WBIG), my facilitator, Ryan Gatenby, was amused by the fact that science is close to creating real life X-Men. He wondered aloud if that would mean that we might, one day, meet a modern rendition of Prince Namor the Sub-Mariner. Given that the character of Namor has vacillated between wanting all humans dead and hosting nice parties at the U.N., I'm not sure we want someone that unstable to have super powers. That became even more true when I flipped open my robot search engine this morning and discovered 100 mile long tsunami like waves that could kill us all. The good news is that … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: boobs, namor, national geographic, paranoid, radar, titdal, waves

It’s Not About Justice

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May 2, 2013 by Bill McCormick

Creationists demand that only people who have first person experience of the events as they happened be allowed to teach evolution. Since there are no multi-million year old people running around they claim victory. Maybe they'll accept the word of a guy who was born when Christ walked the earth. He was a Jew too. Just like Jesus. Then there are those who argue that only middle aged white men should be able to tell minority women what to do with their vaginae. They tend to base their argument on the long held scientific research espoused in Leviticus. As noted in a famous letter, that has led to some problems; Lev. 25:44 states that I may … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: death penalty, florida, leviticus, Taliban

Saying Goodbye

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April 29, 2013 by Bill McCormick

30 years after he was famous, he was famous.

James Demopoulos passed away Saturday night on his 75th birthday. That statement means almost nothing to anyone. Please allow me to rephrase; Jimmy Damon passed away Saturday night on his 75th birthday. That statement will ring loudly to anyone who knew the Chicago lounge scene in the 70's and 80's. It will ring even louder to anyone who's been to Navy Pier and noticed the street sign stating that all the buses are driving on the Jimmy Damon Way. There will be a lot written in the regular media about his career, which was enviable, and about his talent, which was legendary, and about how Bill Murray managed to lionize and satirize him at the … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: Damon, Demopoulos, friend, Jimmy

The Hunt for Klingons

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April 28, 2013 by Bill McCormick

Yesterday I got bought lunch by some people who wanted me to do some web work for them. As any independent contractor knows that is never a good sign. Usually they only buy you lunch to get out of paying you. And that was exactly the case yesterday. Still, I got a free lunch and that is the important part here today. As you may remember I recently almost killed my boss. He had been watching me use hot sauce after hot sauce on my food and decided he would give it the old school try. It was the same as if he had mastered a tricycle and then decided to street race a Ferrari. There were steps in between he was missing. Still, he survived. … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: earth, hot, keplar, plaets, sauce, super, szcechuan

A Little Time Traveling Music

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April 27, 2013 by Bill McCormick

The flight crew for the WNC private jets.

The history of mankind is littered with cautionary tales. The epics of Gilgamesh, the mythos of the Gollum, the legend of Frankenstein all pop readily to mind. Today we are going to look at another cautionary tale of woe. We are going to look at the tale of Ragnarök a/k/a Twilight of the Gods. Ragnarök is essentially the tale of how the Norse god Odin gave up his eye for the gift of all knowledge and foresight. Part of that knowledge was the time of his death and the death of almost all the gods. That final battle was called Ragnarök. There is a really bad movie called Krull that tried to explore that same theme. If you can imagine a … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: Ali Razeqi, ime travel, national geographic, odin, Ragnarök

This Week’s Done

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April 26, 2013 by Bill McCormick

It has been a week of people just making stuff up. Some kids found a bear paw and suddenly "SCIENTISTS ARE BAFFLED" and "EVIDENCE OF BIGFOOT HAS BEEN FOUND!!" Respectively, no they weren't and no it wasn't. Additionally, a documentary was released this week to no fanfare, unless your a truly disturbed person, that purported to have proof of extraterrestrial life. The press releases showed many pics of a 6 inch tall humanoid figure. The press release also states that scientists could not classify the creature's DNA. All cool except that, in the freaking movie, Garry Nolan, director of stem cell biology at Stanford University's School of … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: aclu, aliens, bigfoot, deportation, ufo

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

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April 25, 2013 by Bill McCormick

I like comic books. Of course, now that I'm older I prefer graphic novels. The difference? Graphic novels are more expensive. Among other things. One common theme in many of them is humans who have been altered somehow. Spiderman is a good example. Nice kid meets radioactive spider and becomes a super hero. Or Wolverine. Nice guy, who just happened to be an assassin who can't be killed, gets experimented on by evil government people in Canada (why is it always Canada?) and ends up with no memory and adamantium claws. He then uses this new accessory to become a teacher at a school for misfit toys. Or something like that. Nevertheless you get … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center Tagged With: England, magneto, professor x, science, storm, wolverine

Screw You

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April 21, 2013 by Bill McCormick

I am a big fan of debunking conspiracy theories. And, if I die today, I can lay some claim to promoting rational thought. My article on UFO theories was reposted by a NASA astrophysicist. The fact that you can read this post is completely attributable to the development of accessible porn has been duly documented. So, for all my horny literate fans, today's blog is for you. One of our followers, yes - I am using the royal "we," is a guy named F. Grey Parker. He plays in a band called Sister Soleil and answers his phone when I call. He took a moment out of his busy day to write the best refutation of any conspiracy theory I have ever read. I … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center

Spin Cycle

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April 20, 2013 by Bill McCormick

Man, what a great week to be a complete whack job. I don't care if you're left wing, right wing or the whole flipping bird, if you're a paranoid lunatic this week has been manna from heaven for you. It's had everything; bombs, Muslims, manure, cops, police states, the NRA, Facebook and our beloved Kenyan President allegedly espousing socialist values. And most of the stuff was completely meaningless. The guy on the roof in Boston? Probably a Dish Network repairman who happened to be in the area. The number of turban wearing terrorists seen racing from the scene in West Texas is still zero. That is also the same number of guns confiscated by … [Read more...]

Filed Under: Bill McCormick, World News Center